


all i know is how to love you

by jeonswonwoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, very badly written angst probably, very very very brief jihan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-05-21 05:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6039208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonswonwoo/pseuds/jeonswonwoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You see, when you’re playing truth or dare and someone dares you to kiss the most beautiful and important person to you present in the room you should kiss your girlfriend and not your best friend."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 01.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a light hearted fluffy fic with a little tiny tiny bit of angst but here we are.  
> I hope you enjoy this train wreck.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/tuansmarc) // [Tumblr](https://http://kimseeokjins.tumblr.com/)

Kim Mingyu comes to the conclusion that he is an idiot.  
  
You see, when you’re playing truth or dare and someone dares you to kiss the most beautiful and important person to you present in the room you should kiss your girlfriend and not your best friend. He blames fucking Hansol for this, because if he hadn't dare him to do that he wouldn’t be in this situation: with his girlfriend saying she wants to break up and telling him how much of an asshole he is.  
  
“C’mon Yerin, don’t do this,” Mingyu pleads to his girlfriend.  
  
“I just saw you kiss Wonwoo in front of me and you have the audacity to ask me not to break up with you?” and okay maybe she does have a point, Mingyu thinks.  
  
“I wasn’t thinking and—“  
  
“The fact that you weren’t even thinking before you kissed your best friend instead of me doesn’t really help your case,” she let’s go of Mingyu’s hand and sits on the sofa. “You know I always wondered what was between you two. You always seemed more like a couple than anything else, even after we started dating so I don’t think it was much of a shock, really.”  
  
“Don’t say that because it’s not true. I love you, not Wonwoo. I’m with you because I want to and I will do anything for you to forgive me,” he sits next to her and puts his hand on her knee. “It was nothing. He’s nothing but my best friend, and if you want me to stop talking to him I will.”  
  
That earns him a pretty hard smack in the head.  
  
“You’re honestly too stupid for words, Kim Mingyu. Of course I don’t want you to stop talking with Wonwoo, not only is he your best friend but he is also your housemate,” and Mingyu is kinda glad she said that because he doesn’t really think he would be able to stop talking to his best friend. “It’s just that I love you, I really do, I just don’t think I can really trust you after this.”  
  
Mingyu understands her, he does, but he also doesn’t want to lose her; and he wishes it was because of how much he loves her, that the thought of losing her is incomprehensible for him, but it’s not. He knows that he is bullshitting his way through this apology, that he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him (how many times had he considered breaking up with her? How many time did he wish it was Wonwoo he was kissing instead of her?), but he has to because the last thing he wants is to disappoint everyone if they ever find out he likes a boy.  
  
“I understand that, but I don’t wanna lose you, I really don’t. You mean too much to me,” _to my reputation._

 

 

Wonwoo heard everything. He heard how Mingyu was ready to just stop talking to him and all he wants is to yell at Mingyu for making him feel so insignificant, something that Mingyu can just cast aside when he feels like it.

He didn’t mean to listen to them talk, it was a private matter that didn’t concern Wonwoo at all, but he had ran to his room after the kiss and when he heard someone fighting he just couldn’t help himself.  
  
Wonwoo always had that stupid hope that one day, maybe, Mingyu could like him back, and a part of him always knew that was unrealistic, that Mingyu was as straight as they come, but still he had hope; and when Mingyu had kissed him earlier it was better than all those times he had imagined it happen wide wake at night. There were no fireworks or the feeling of butterflies in his belly like all the books and movies talk about, instead it felt like home, it was warm and the smell of Mingyu’s strawberry shampoo was all he could smell.  
  
All his hope had grown as the kiss deepened, just to be crushed right after.  
  
_That’s what you get for hoping, you idiot._

 

After a long conversation, a really long conversation, Yerin decided to give Mingyu another chance - even if part of her told her that she shouldn’t because she knows the truth; because she knows Mingyu doesn’t love her the way he says he does, but maybe if she pretends enough she will be able to believe her own lie.

 

 

 “You fucking asshole,” that’s the first thing that comes out of Mingyu’s mouth when he sees Hansol again two days later outside the university.

Mingyu knew damn well that the younger was avoiding him because he knew Mingyu was gonna end him, even if everyone knew that the only one to blame was Mingyu himself.  
  
“Hey, hey! Calm down,” he says as he hides himself behind Seungcheol. “Before you even think about saying something let me just say this is not my fault.”  
  
“But if you di—,” Mingyu started but was interrupted by Hansol.  
  
“It’s hardly my fault you’re a dumbass,” and Mingyu looks at him like he is about to smack his ass to the fucking moon but just sighs instead.  
  
Seungcheol is just admiring the situation. By now he was sure everyone in their group knew how much Wonwoo liked Mingyu and how much Mingyu pretended not to like Wonwoo back. It was amusing in the beginning, but as time passed and Mingyu got himself a girlfriend it’s just became really sad and made everything awkward at times.  
  
“But what kind of question was that?” And if Mingyu had to guess he would say Hansol did asked him that on purpose.  
  
“It’s a perfectly normal question it’s not my fault you’re in love with your best friend, is it?” this kid has some fucking nerve.  
  
“Listen Mingyu, we know—“ Seungcheol starts but Mingyu doesn’t let him finish.  
  
“You know nothing! Nothing,” he screams without really meaning to. “I’m really sick and tired of your talks about how I like Wonwoo and whatnot. Please understand and respect that I’m with Yerin and I love her, not Wonwoo.”  
  
He stormed out of the place as he finished and figured it was not a good idea to go to the place he shared with Wonwoo, so he went to the nearest pub he could find.

 

 

 

He isn’t one for drinking but here he is, two hours later and maybe he is a little tipsy. Just a little, even if the bartender keeps saying he’s too drunk and won’t give him anymore alcohol.  
  
“I'm not in love with Jeon Wonwoo,” he says to no one in particular. “I’m not in love with him, right?”  
  
And the bartender just looks at him as if asking if he really wants an answer.  
  
“Look kid, you’ve had enough for today so how about I call someone to pick you up?” and Mingyu just nods and places his head on the counter. “And by the way, you do sound pretty in love with this Wonwoo guy.”  
  
“You know, Wonwoo is a great guy,” he says to the bartender while he’s on Mingyu’s phone asking someone to pick him up. “I remember the first time I saw him, he was asleep in our dorm and I swear he looked like an angel, my first thought was ‘wow he’s so beautiful. I’m incredibly fucked', and Christ on a tricycle was I right.”  
  
Mingyu just goes on and on about how amazing and beautiful Wonwoo is, how no one can match this boy, how he wishes the world was different, how he wishes he could accept himself. Before he can say anything more he feels a light tap on his shoulder.  
  
“Ah Wonwoo, what are you doing here?” he says too happy, as if he hasn’t been ignoring Wonwoo these past couple of days.  
  
“Well apparently you need someone to take you home.”  
  
“You’re always saving me,” and he wraps his arms around Wonwoo’s neck. “My own knight in shinning armor.”  
  
And he giggles. He fucking giggles.  
  
Wonwoo feels his heart melt, as cliché as it sounds, and his mouth turn into a smile.  
  
“You’re drunk. Let’s go!”

 

It’s not an easy task to take Mingyu home when you don’t own a car, Wonwoo learns after only five minutes of walking. Mingyu is a very clingy drunk, so he won’t let go of Wonwoo for anything. He thought about giving the younger boy a piggy back ride, but decided against it since Mingyu is basically a giant.  
  
So here they are, with Mingyu clinging to Wonwoo’s neck while he’s dragging him through the street in the middle of the afternoon.  
  
After what it feels like a lifetime they finally make it to their flat and Wonwoo swears he’s about to die. How can a person as thin as a fucking stick be so heavy? Jesus Christ.  
  
“Come on, let’s go to bed, you big baby,” and of course Mingyu has to give him that smile. The one that feels like home. The one that makes Wonwoo feel like he’s free falling, the one that makes Wonwoo fall in love a little bit more every time.  
  
“Wonwoo, have I said how much I like you? Because I do like you very much,” _shut up, Kim Mingyu. Shut up shut up shut up!_ “You know I even asked the bartender if he thought I loved you and you know what he said?”  
  
For someone this drunk he sure makes a very articulated speech, Wonwoo thinks. He wishes Mingyu was the kind of drunk that would just be dead to the world.  
  
“He said ‘you do sound pretty in love with this Wonwoo guy’,” he says trying his best to mimic the man’s voice. “And you know what? He’s right. Everyone’s been right the whole time. Isn’t it funny?”  
  
Wonwoo can classify this as a lot of things, but funny isn’t one of them.  
  
Why is Mingyu saying these things? Why does he have to build up Wonwoo’s hope time and time again?  
  
When Wonwoo looks at Mingyu again the younger boy is already snoring and he wonders if he will remember anything of what he said when he wakes up. He puts a blanket over Mingyu and has to gather all of his strength not to kiss the younger’s head.

 

 

 

It’s been a month after Mingyu drunkly confessed to Wonwoo and he hasn’t given any sign of remembering it, and every time Wonwoo wants to do something with Mingyu he always tells the older that he’s busy with uni work or that he already told Yerin he would spend time with her.  
  
And it’s fine, it’s not like he can really blame Mingyu for not remembering and it’s not like he can really blame Mingyu for being afraid.  
  
He heard Mingyu saying to the bartender how he wished he could accept himself and it hand’t really clicked with Wonwoo until Mingyu confessed after they got home.  
  
Wonwoo was lucky. He was born with a family that loves him and accepts him no matter what, a family that told him that no matter who he loved it didn’t change how much they loved him and how much they were proud of him when he told them, full of fear of being rejected, that he liked boys.  
  
Wonwoo knows that it’s not like that for everyone, he knows not everyone can accept themselves in a society where you constantly hear that you’re disgusting, that it’s a sin, that it’s just a phase, that you don’t belong if you’re not as society tells you to be. So he lets Mingyu ignore him, he lets Mingyu cast him aside because the last thing he wants is to make him uncomfortable.

 

Things could be going better for Mingyu, if he’s being honest. His relationship with Yerin is hung by a thread, he can see Yerin knows something is going on, and his relationship with Wonwoo is nonexistent at the moment. They share a flat but they barely see each other and while Mingyu doesn’t make any sort of effort to make even a little bit of small talk with Wonwoo, the older of the two has stopped making any effort too and is always in his room, only goes out to go to classes, to eat or go to the bathroom.  
  
As much as Mingyu swears to everyone and their mom that he’s not ignoring his best friend, the truth is that he remembers confessing to Wonwoo while drunk and he doesn’t want to face it. It was the first time he even said it out loud, and every time he looks at Wonwoo he just feels himself losing it. It never felt real when he kept to himself, when he pretended he didn’t feel anything for his best friend, but now, now that he said it out loud - to Wonwoo, of all people - he fears he won’t be able to stop himself from saying everything he’s been bottling up all this time.

 

“What do you think about getting everyone together?” Yerin asks him as he opens the door to his flat. “Scratch that, I already know your answer is no, so I invited everyone over.”  
  
“Hmmm, why would you do that?”  
  
“Well, you are obviously ignoring everyone else and I thought maybe a little get together would do everyone some good,” she says smiling and Mingyu doesn’t really have the heart to say no. “And babe, I know you feel embarrassed with what happened last time but no one cares.”  
  
He knows she just wants him to feel better, but the truth is that everyone cares. She cares, he cares, everyone fucking cares.  
  
He doesn’t want to face his friends, that know him better than anyone and see right through him. They always make those weird faces, as if telling him that it’s okay, that loving Wonwoo it’s okay. He hates those faces, he hates the speeches - that just won’t stop no matter how many times he says he doesn’t feel anything for Wonwoo -, and he hates the way he feels.  
  
“Are you okay, Mingyu?”  
  
“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ve just been a little stressed with some classes,” when did lying to everyone around him became such an usual thing?  
  
“Then this will do you some good. You push yourself too much with classes and studying. It’s good to have a break once in a while,” and she gives him a smile and he kisses her.  
  
“Oh sorry,” Wonwoo says and Mingyu can see his ears turn red from embarrassment.  
  
“You can stay, Wonwoo. We’re having a little get together like last time,” Yerin says getting up from the sofa and dragging him to sit down with them. “Well, hopefully not like last time. I think we could all go without another kiss.”  
  
And she laughs. Wonwoo is glad she's not mad at him because he likes Yerin. She always made sure he didn’t feel left out when she and Mingyu were together in the flat, in fact Wonwoo and Yerin sometimes spend time on their own.  
  
He’s pretty sure she knows he is in love with Mingyu, but she’s kind enough not to mention it.  
  
“No we wouldn’t,” and Wonwoo pretends he doesn’t hear the disgust in Mingyu’s tone.  
  
“I guess we wouldn’t, specially when you’re such a lousy kisser,” Wonwoo offers in return. “I can’t believe Yerin has to put up with your lack of skill.”  
  
He gets up and returns to his room because honestly a hang out is the last thing he wants. He just wants some peace and quiet and he’s not gonna get it in this house for the next few hours, so he grabs his things and heads out to the library.  
  
“Where are you going?” Yerin questions him.  
  
“To the library.”

 

As soon as Wonwoo closes the door Yerin gives Mingyu an annoyed look and smacks him in the head.  
  
“That was unnecessary.”  
  
“It’s your fault he left. Did you have to be that rude? It’s not his fault that you kissed him and then you have to make it sound you were disgusted by it.”  
  
Okay, maybe that was little unnecessary, but he needs to keep Wonwoo away from him. Away from this need to hugging him every second, the need to tell him he loves him, the need to kiss him, to touch him. Mingyu is going insane. Pretending is making him go insane.  
  
Yerin is about to say something when someone knocks on the door and Seokmin screams ‘open the door, love birds’. Why are their friends all so damn loud?

 

They all have a great time and no one mentions Wonwoo’s absence after Yerin tells them he’s at the library. Mingyu is thankful that they don’t mention the kiss or make little jokes about it either, even tho he see Jeonghan give him a weird look but he pretends he didn’t see it and Hansol has that guilty face whenever he looks at Mingyu.

“So what if we play truth or dare?” Soonyoung suggests.  
  
“God no!” Mingyu is the first to react and that has everyone laughing. “I think I had it with that game for the rest of my life.”  
  
Everyone laughs at that and he is surprised to find himself laughing with them.  
  
“Oh Mingyu, did you know that Jeonghan and Jisoo here have been banging?” Seungkwan says with a shit eating grin.  
  
Mingyu laughs because he found out about it the day after, thanks to an over excited Jeonghan that shared more than Mingyu actually wanted to know.  
  
“I will fucking kill you, Boo Seungkwan,” Jisoo threatens. “You better sleep with both of your eyes open from now on, you asshole.”

 

They laugh and Jeonghan starts talking about how it was growing up with Mingyu and Seungcheol, and Yerin loves listening to stories of her boyfriend growing up. Even if they’ve be dating for almost a year he doesn’t really talk much about his life or his feelings, and sometimes it feels like they’re not even dating at all.  
  
At first she thought he wasn’t very good at talking about his feelings, and while that’s true, she knows that the reason Mingyu never really put in any sort of effort was because he never really liked her enough to be in a relationship.  
  
Sure, he says he loves her but he’s not in love with her. He never was. His heart always belonged to Wonwoo since the beginning, even if Mingyu pretends it doesn’t.

Mingyu can’t stop thinking how nice this feels, and he makes a mental note to thank Yerin for this.  
  
But even though this feels nice and it’s been a while since he felt this relaxed, Mingyu can’t stop thinking about and noticing Wonwoo’s absence. The absence of the other boy’s laugh and the way he scrunches his nose when he does, the way he makes fun of Mingyu whenever he is slightly embarrassed with something, or the way he always makes sure to be by Mingyu’s side.

 

 

Wonwoo can barely see what he’s reading anymore.  
  
He’s been in the library for hours and every time he thinks about getting back home he sees Mingyu’s face and remembers his disgusted tone earlier and changes his mind.  
  
He ends up spending the whole night in the library because he fell asleep between studying for his Portuguese exam and for his Korean Literature class.  
  
When he goes back to the flat Mingyu is already gone and he just has time to take a shower before going to his first class.  
  
He can’t pay full attention to his professor talking because his neck hurts like a bitch from having slept with his head on the table and all he can think about is Mingyu and is damn confession.  
  
Why couldn’t Mingyu be quiet? Why did he have to confess?  
  
Everything was easier when Wonwoo only wished Mingyu felt the same, because how are you supposed to ignore the person you’re in love with when you know they love you back?

 

 

Mingyu had entertained countless of times the thought of confessing to Wonwoo, the thought of coming out, but every time he tried to do it the fear of being rejected and being left by everyone he loves always stops him.  
  
It’s always been like this, Mingyu can’t remember a day when fear hadn’t had control over him. It was there when he wanted to tell his parents that he didn’t want to be a doctor like his dad, that he wanted to be an architect, it was there when after five months of knowing Wonwoo he wanted to tell him he liked him more than a friend, it was there when in 11th grade some bullies beat up the gay kid and he did nothing, standing in the shadows being consumed by the fear of something like this happening to him.  
  
He knows that dragging Yerin to this whole mess without her even knowing is wrong and selfish, but he guesses you have to be a little selfish if you want to make it in a society that wouldn’t think twice about leaving you behind because of whom you love.  
  
He is taken away from his thought when his phone starts ringing, and he contemplates ignoring the call once he sees it’s his mom.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
_“Is that how you answer a phone call from your mom whom you haven’t seen for six whole months?”_ he kind of misses his mom. He misses when he could tell her everything, when they went to the park and ate ice cream, or when they would have late movie nights when his dad worked the night shift at the hospital. _“Anyway, are you coming home for the weekend?”_  
  
Ah there it is, a new attempt to making go home again.  
  
“Is dad even thinking about apologizing about what he did or said?”  
  
_“Mingyu you know your dad,”_ and he can hear a hint of sadness in her voice. Much like Mingyu, his mother was always afraid of speaking her mind about what she really thought, afraid of what people might think of her.  
  
“I do, mom. But the way he treated Wonwoo was not okay, at all, and I’m sorry, I love you but I won’t go home until dad apologizes,” Mingyu had made that decision the moment he stormed off after Wonwoo six months ago.  
  
He knows his mom doesn’t want to press further about it so she asks him about university, about Yerin and if he still draws.  
  
“No. You know I stopped a long time ago.”  
  
_“I was just hoping you had picked it up again,”_ his mom had always supported his idea of being an architect and his love for drawing, but he guesses, much like him, she never really had the guts to stand up to his dad or his family and the expectations they always had for Mingyu since a very young age. _“Tell Wonwoo I send him a kiss and hope he’s doing well.”_  
  
“I will, mom.”

 

For the first time in a long while, when Wonwoo gets home Mingyu is there. Not only is he there but he is also alone, and for some reason that makes Wonwoo uneasy because they haven’t been alone in the same space for a while now.

He was just going to go to his room without even saying something to the younger boy, but before he could sneak out Mingyu turned to him.

“Oh, you're home already. I didn’t hear the door,” oh he’s really talking to me.

“Hmmm… Yeah,” steady response, well done, Jeon Wonwoo.

“Oh by the way, my mom sent you a kiss.”

“Did she call to ask if you’re finally going home again?” Mingyu nods and before Wonwoo realizes he’s already next to Mingyu on their sofa. “And are you going?”

“No. I stand by my word, I will not go back until he apologizes for the way he treated you,” it shouldn’t but hearing this makes Wonwoo smile a little.

He remembers that day quite well, it’s kind of hard not to remember the day when your best friend’s father kicks you out of their house because you’re gay.

 

_~_

_Mingyu had begged Wonwoo to go with him see his family for the weekend because apparently he had talked his mom’s hear off about Wonwoo - even if Mingyu denies it. After a lot of begging and a lot of promises that Mingyu would buy Wonwoo his favourite ice cream for two months, he agreed._

_Wonwoo would’ve said yes anyway, he just thought it would be funny to play with Mingyu a little._

_They arrived Friday afternoon and Mingyu’s mom was the nicest since the moment he met her, reminding him a lot of his own mother, Mingyu’s father, on the other hand, was a completely different story. The man didn’t seem very fond of Wonwoo for some reason (maybe it was because he and Mingyu were very touchy with each other, often forgetting what personal space is), he reminded Wonwoo of a rock that talked from time to time, if he’s being completely honest._

_But the weekend was going fine, and Wonwoo thanked every God he doesn’t believe in that Mr. Kim worked the whole time, it made Wonwoo feel more comfortable around the house and he didn’t feel like he was being judged every damn second._

_Of course everything went to shit Sunday during lunch before Mingyu and Wonwoo had to go._

_“So Wonwoo, do you have a girlfriend?” he didn’t even look at Wonwoo as he made the question and now Wonwoo felt himself sweating._

_“Hmmm, I don’t have one, Sir,” and why was he so nervous at the thought of Mingyu’s dad finding out he was gay? Mingyu’s mom already knew and he didn’t feel like this when they talked about it, in fact she was very supportive, after she had asked Wonwoo if he was Mingyu’s boyfriend (which made the two of them choke on their ice creams)._

_“And why not? Too busy studying?” he’s tone is completely void of any sort of interest and he still doesn’t spare a single look at Wonwoo._

_“No, I’m just not into girls,” and the whole table fell silent. Mingyu looked like he was about to have a heart attack and Mr. Kim looked at him for the first time during the whole lunch._

_“Well Mingyu,” he turns to his son. “You could’ve told us you were bringing home a faggot, then I wouldn’t have wasted my time here.”_

_“I’m sorry bu—,” but Mr. Kim doesn’t even let him finish._

_“If you could please get up and leave my house I would be thankful,” Wonwoo’s heart dropped to his stomach as he heard the man talk. “And if you could please stop being around my son I would appreciate that, the last thing I need is my son becoming a faggot for being around someone like you.”_

_Wonwoo was frozen. He could only feel his panic grow as he looked at Mingyu, who was as shocked as him._

_All he could do was get up and grab his things before running out of the house. This was the first time something like this had ever happened to him, because while he was out to his whole family and close friends during high school, he never dared being completely out fearing things like this, or even worse, would happen. In university, well, no one really payed him enough attention anyways, so he’s not really afraid of being himself._

_“Wonwoo! Wonwoo, wait,” when he turns around he sees Mingyu running to him with his own stuff._

_“Please, don’t cry,” and Wonwoo hadn’t even realized he had been crying the whole time._

_“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Mingyu,” and hugs Mingyu tighter._

_“Hey, look at me,” and he grabs Wonwoo’s chin gently and makes the older boy face him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. My dad’s an asshole and I should’ve expected that. Never be sorry for being who you are.”_

_~_

 

“You know, you don't need to do that,” without even thinking he grabs Mingyu’s hands and caresses them. “What’s done it’s done, and we both know your dad's never apologizing to me anyway.”

“Of course I need! He needs to learn that he can't treat people like that just because he lacks basic human decency.”

Wonwoo is thankful for Mingyu as a friend and for standing up to his father, but right now it hurts him seeing Mingyu talking to him like this when he knows the younger boy is hurting, it makes him mad that Mingyu’s father is part of the problem, is part of the reason Mingyu hates himself.

“Thank you,” and Wonwoo realizes that he’s still holding Mingyu's hands. “I know it's been weird between us these days but just know that you can talk to me about whatever, right? I’ll always be here for you.”

He gets up and goes to his room, but before he reaches the door he feels Mingyu hugging him from behind and putting his head on his shoulder, and the younger lets a tiny little sob escape.

“I’m so sorry, Wonwoo. I’m so sorry,” and he just holds the older boy really tight. “I’m sorry for making you think I’m disgusted with our kiss and for ignoring you. I’m very proud of who you are.”

They stayed like that for a while, with Mingyu silently crying and Wonwoo stroking his hands gently. This was the first time in the three years they’ve known each other that Wonwoo has ever seen Mingyu break down, and it’s breaking his heart into a million pieces. Wonwoo lets him cry for as long as he needs to, he knows better than to just talk to him right now, one wrong word and Mingyu would just close himself up again.

“I wanted to tell you all this time,” Mingyu starts, and his voice is barely louder than a whisper. “I’ve been itching to tell you for the last two years and a half you know? But I was afraid, I’ve always been so afraid.”

Mingyu takes a deep breath and Wonwoo doesn’t know what to expect next, all he knows is that right now his heart is racing like mad.

“Can you imagine what would happen if people knew that Mingyu, top of every class, future doctor, was in love with a boy? Can you imagine what my father would do to me? He would throw me out, he would make sure no one would hire his faggot of a son.”

Wonwoo turns so that he’s now facing Mingyu and the younger is a mess. His eyes are puffy and red and his lower lip is trembling.

Wonwoo grabs his face a wipes the tears away with his thumb, placing a soft kiss on his eyelids.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that, Mingyu,” he pushes the younger down so they can be sat on the floor, each of their legs beside their torsos.

“But that’s what I am at my father eyes, isn’t it? That’s what we both are. People society deems disgusting and sinful, dirty. How is it fair that people get to tell us who we should love? What gender is acceptable for us to love? How is my love for you dirty, sinful, disgusting?”

“It’s not. It’s not, Mingyu,” and Wonwoo can feel his own tears falling down his face as he chokes out the words.

“Since I met you that I’ve been learning to love who I am. I’m trying so hard, Wonwoo, so hard,” Mingyu says as he looks down and starts drawing circles with his finger on Wonwoo’s palm. “But I’m so afraid. I’m afraid people will cast me aside, I’m afraid someone will beat me up like they did to that kid in 11th grade and I didn’t do nothing because I was afraid they would do the same to me.”

He takes a deep breath and looks at Wonwoo.

“I just wanna be able to say that I love you without feeling guilty, without feeling dirty. I wanna be able to love you in public, to marry you, to have a family, to accept myself. I just wanna be happy, Wonwoo. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore because I feel like I’m suffocating all the time.”

“Hey, look at me,” Wonwoo takes a moment to look at the boy he loves so much, and he is so broken and all Wonwoo wants to do is take him away from everything and let him be happy, away from all the pain. “It’s not easy, but I want you to know that I’m here for you know matter what. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you if you want to come out or even if you don’t, I’m here to kick the ass of anyone that treats you any different just because you decide to be yourself. Most of all I’m here to love you for who you are, for who you decide to be for the sake of your wellbeing - even if that means pretending you don’t love me.”

He caresses Mingyu’s face and gives him a soft smile.

And then Mingyu is hugging him tight, so tight, again and still crying, as Wonwoo repeats ‘it’s going to be okay’ and rubs circles on the boy’s back.

 

When Wonwoo wakes up the morning sun is kissing Mingyu’s skin in the prettiest way and all he can do is smile. The younger boy looks so peaceful like this, so far from the broken boy he is right now.

He reaches to grab his phone and capture the moment.

Last night he had convinced Mingyu that taking a day off from classes wouldn’t kill him and that he, more than anyone one, needed a day or two to just rest.

He gets up and opens the fridge just to be reminded that they have nothing to eat for breakfast, so he writes a post it telling Mingyu he went out to buy some stuff and sticks it to the boy’s forehead.

While he’s at the store he buys Mingyu’s favourite everything, and he knows it’s not gonna fix anything but at least he knows it will make the boy a little bit happier.

He thinks back to what happened the day before as he walks home and he never thought Mingyu could love him back, but most of all he never thought the bubbly, over excited Kim Mingyu could be so broken inside. If it was up to him he would rather have Mingyu not love him back if that meant the other boy could happy.

When he opens the door Mingyu is sat on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around him.

“What took you so long? My stomach is almost eating itself.”

“Well I was buying all your favorites, so please don’t be an ungrateful brat.”

“Really?” He asks smiling and Wonwoo nods. “Are you doing banana pancakes with chocolate chips?”

Mingyu is beaming like a little kid on Christmas day and Wonwoo realizes that this is really what makes him happy, this is everything that really matters.

Wonwoo hates chocolate chips and Mingyu knows that because he’s always complaining that Mingyu buys everything that has chocolate chips in it ‘and I can’t eat anything that you buy, please Mingyu, work with me here’, so he appreciates Wonwoo making this for him.

 

They talk a lot over breakfast but manage to avoid talking about what happened last night; Wonwoo because he doesn’t want to pressure or upset the other boy, and Mingyu because he feels embarrassed.

People knock at their door but they just pretend their not in and stay the whole day watching movies and playing games. Games Wonwoo keeps losing on purpose so

Mingyu won’t be upset, because he knows the younger is sore loser.

“Stop losing on purpose, Jeon,” Mingyu says trying to sound upset but Wonwoo can see him smiling.

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just that good, really,” and Mingyu smacks him on the arm.

“Do not make fun of my lack of ability to play video games.”

“I’m not. You are really good, I can’t believe I won all those times. Pfft, can you believe it?”

Two seconds later Mingyu is on top of Wonwoo tickling him to death. Wonwoo has tears in his eyes and pleads over and over again for Mingyu to stop, which just makes the younger tickle him even more.

“Alright, I’m stoping, but only because I’m afraid you’ll die on me, old man,” and he gives Wonwoo a little smirk.

“Who are you calling an old man, you little shit?” He says hitting Mingyu with a pillow. “You are one year younger than me, that’s nothing.”

This feels good, Mingyu thinks. It’s been a while since they were this relaxed on each others presence, and Mingyu knows that he’s the one to blame for that. He ruined it with that kiss.

Since that day that the little façade that he had built was cracking each passing day and he didn’t know how to deal with it, but at least he had Wonwoo by his side.

 

It’s night time by the time Wonwoo decides it’s better for the both of them if they talk about what happened last night.

“Mingyu,” the younger boy looks up at Wonwoo from where he’s sat on the floor. “I think we should talk about yesterday.”

“I know,” and he stops looking at the older boy.

They stay silent for a while before Mingyu gets up from the floor and sits next to Wonwoo on the sofa.

“Wonwoo, I love you,” Wonwoo feels his heart start racing because even though he knows the younger boy loves him, it still feels a little bit unreal every time he hears it. “There’s no way I can deny this anymore, but I’m not ready for a relationship with another man and I don’t know if I ever will.”

Mingyu is avoiding eye contact with Wonwoo, and he knows this is hard for him. He knows how much he is hurting and even thought it breaks his heart to hear Mingyu say this, he can’t be mad. He does not have the right to.

“It’s okay,” Wonwoo says as he caresses Mingyu’s face.

“I know I’m hurting you, I know that, but I’m not ready. I want to, for you but—,”

“Look at me. You come first, always. I don’t want you to be ready for me, you have to do this for yourself and yourself only. Forget about me, forget about everyone else. Do it for your own happiness and wellbeing.”

Mingyu nods at everything he's saying.

“I’ll wait until you’re ready, and if that moment never comes I’ll still be by your side. I love you, Mingyu,” and Wonwoo feels so free being able to finally say this out loud.

“And I meant it when I said yesterday that I’ll be by your side even if it means you decide to pretend you don’t love me. All I want is for you to be happy.”  _But I can’t be happy if I’m not by your side, if I’m not free_ , Mingyu wants to say.

“Remember what you told me after you’re father kicked me out of your house?” Mingyu nods. “That’s all you need to remember; that you have nothing to be sorry for and that I am so so proud of the person you are.”

They lay on the sofa and stay like that until Yerin calls Mingyu, and that’s when he remembers that he hasn’t said anything to her the whole day.

He goes to his room and stays there for the rest of the night and Wonwoo can hear laughs and ‘I love yous’ coming from Mingyu’s mouth and he tries his best not to cry, not to feel jealous, but in the end he is only human.

He goes to his room and cries. He cries for Mingyu and how unfair this whole situation is to him, and he cries because he loves this boy so much but he knows they will never be together because sometimes there are things that were never meant to be in the first place.

Wonwoo thinks it’s a pretty shitty world they live in, but at least he got to meet Kim Mingyu and that no one can’t take away from him.

 

 

Wonwoo and Mingyu continue as if nothing had happened and everyone’s just happy they talked it out and there’s no awkward tension anymore. No one asks questions as to why Mingyu seems a little more quiet than usual and whenever they try he brushes them off telling them it’s just his classes, and no one seems to see through his little white lies. No one except Seungcheol, but he always seems to know something’s up with his friends even before they know it themselves.

 

“Hey Mingyu, are you really sure everything is alright with you?” he asks after they come out of that art class Mingyu’s dad has no idea he’s taking.

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“It’s not just that you’ve been quieter than usual, but your relationship with Wonwoo,” Mingyu has no idea where he’s going with this but he’s not sure he likes it. “It changed. You seem closer, like you two have something no one knows about.”

Of course.

“I’m not cheating on Yerin with Wonwoo, if that’s what you’re implying,” Mingyu spits the words out if more anger than necessary. “You’ve know me since we where kids, how could you even think I would do something like that?”

“It’s because I’ve known you for so long that I’m asking you. Don’t you think I haven’t noticed the subtle touches between you two? Or the way you look at him?” Mingyu bites is lip because he hadn’t even noticed they’d been doing those things. “Something changed between you two and I just wanna make sure you’re not doing anything stupid.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not cheating, I promise you I’m not. I’d never do that to Yerin,” even if it feels like he’s cheating every time he and Wonwoo hold hands when they are alone at home, or that they now sleep in the same bed because Mingyu can’t stand being alone at night, or every time Mingyu says ‘I love you’ to Wonwoo just because he feels like it. “Me and Wonwoo just had an honest conversation and I guess that brought us close together.”

Seungcheol nods, there’s really no reason for him to doubt Mingyu’s words but there’s something that still seems off about this. He decides not to push it and just forget about it.

 

When he gets home he is quite surprised to see his mom chatting with Wonwoo at the kitchen table over some tea and some chocolate chip cookies Wonwoo and Mingyu had made the night before because Mingyu was too stressed over a few classes.

“Mom,” he says has she embraces him in a tight hug. Oh how he missed his mom. “I’m sorry for not going home.”

He keeps apologizing and he figures it’s getting quite annoying.

“I can’t really blame you, can I?” and Mingyu can hear the same sad tone in her voice like that time when he had told her he had a crush on his roommate and she told him it was going to be okay. The tone that says she feels guilty about everything Mingyu has been going through. “But please let’s not talk about what happened. How’s everything going? How’s Yerin?”

Mingyu looks briefly at Wonwoo and can see the boy tight the grip on his mug at the mention of Yerin.

“Everything’s going fine. Me and Yerin are great, I think dad will love her, mom,” he starts. “She so beautiful, and more than that she’s so incredibly smart.”

“Go figure why she’s with someone like Mingyu,” Wonwoo jokes and smiles to the both of them, but his smile doesn’t really reach his eyes.

“Shut up, old man,” Mingyu says back, smiling to the older boy that now gives him a smile that is genuine and makes Mingyu’s heart race. “As I was saying before I was interrupted by a fossil, I think this relationship is gonna last mom. I really love her and I can honestly see us lasting for a long time.”

He hears something crashing and when he looks in Wonwoo’s direction he sees that the boy let the mug fall on the floor. He can see the tears forming in Wonwoo’s eyes and he curses himself because he just keeps hurting the other boy no matter what he does.

“I’m sorry. I… Hmmm… Sorry,” it’s all Wonwoo can really say because if he tries something more elaborated he might start crying. He gets up, cleans the mess he made and leaves for his room.

 

 

Wonwoo doesn’t hear Mrs. Kim leaving but he hears Mingyu opening the door to his room and sliding into bed with him and whispering a soft _‘I’m sorry’_ , planting a kiss on top of his head while Wonwoo pretends he’s asleep.

“I’m sorry. I promise one day I’ll make it right by you,” he whispers and Wonwoo doesn’t know what the other boy means by that, but his heart starts racing a little and he kind of hates it.

 

 

After that night Mingyu and Wonwoo haven’t seen each other much because Mingyu’s been a recluse at the library studying for his exams at the end of the first semester, and Wonwoo is thankful because he really needs some space or else he might explode.

 

Wonwoo is on his last year. He should’ve finished his degree by now, but before going to university he thought he should take a year to work and help his parents with the expenses. He’s glad he did it, because if he hadn’t he would’ve never met Mingyu.

He remembers the day he they met as if it were today. He often replays it in his head when he’s in bed half asleep.

He remembers how he woke up from his nap to find his new roommate on his bed, in all his beautiful glory reading Les Misérables. He remembers laughing and how Mingyu looked at him, and Wonwoo remembers stopping breathing for a moment because _‘Holy mother of God on a cracker, my roommate is the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen’._

 

_~_

_“Wow am I that good looking?” he’s new roommate says with a stupid smirk on his face._

_“I said that out loud, didn’t I?”_

_His new roommate nods, still with the same stupid smirk on his face and Wonwoo really wants to kiss it away. Yes, he’s that attractive._

_“I’m Mingyu, by the way.”_

_“Wonwoo.”_

_They stay quite for a while until Mingyu decides to speak again._

_“Wonwoo, what are you studying?”_

_“Portuguese and Korean literature,” and he sees Mingyu making a face. He guesses a lot of people will find that pretty boring. “What about you, pretty boy?”_

_“Pretty boy here is going to be a doctor,” for some reason his roommate doesn’t sound very happy about it._

_“Well, you do look pretentious enough to be one.”_

_“Just like you look boring enough to be taking literature and languages,” Mingyu says giving him the most beautiful and bright smile._

_“Touché.”_

_After that they got to know each other. Mingyu told him how everyone in his family was pretty excited that he’s now a medical student or how he loves anything with chocolate chips, to which Wonwoo makes the most disgusted face at._

_Wonwoo talks about how he should’ve started university the year before but decided to take a year to work and just experience life in general._

_“You don’t really look older than me.”_

_“It’s just a year, it’s not like I’m ten years older than you.”_

_They talked about their families and their friends, what they were expecting university life to be like, childhood memories, and Wonwoo felt so incredibly at home._

_~_

 

“Why did I think Portuguese was a good idea?” Wonwoo says, cursing Portuguese grammar because _‘why is it so difficult? Fucking fuck’_ , but his rant is interrupted by a knock on the door and he can’t imagine who can possibly be because every single one of his friends are studying like crazy for the exams at the end of the first semester.

It’s safe to say he’s pretty surprised when he sees Yerin on his doorstep looking like she hasn't slept in days.

“You look like shit, Yerin.”

“Thank you. You’re not looking that great either, grandpa,” she offers.

“You clearly spend to much time with your idiot of a boyfriend, but please come into our lovely home.”

They both sit at the kitchen table and Wonwoo makes Yerin a cup of tea because he knows she hates coffee. They stay in silence for a while and Yerin looks like she wants to say something but she doesn’t know how.

“I know,” she finally says and that makes Wonwoo pretty confused at first but then he realizes what she’s talking about. “I know Mingyu loves you. I also know you’re in love with him.”

Right now Wonwoo can’t even look at her because he can’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes. He can’t bear to see the misery he helped cause, that he is partially to blame for the hurt Yerin is feeling.

“I always kind of knew Mingyu didn’t love me like that. Even though he tried he never really cared for me as he cared for you, his face never lighted up at the mention on my name like it does every time he sees you or every time he hears your name,” she stops to take a sip of her tea. “It doesn’t really take a genius to see how much you love Mingyu. When I started dating Mingyu I hated you so much. I hated you because no matter what I did I could never seem to have the effect you had on him, I could never make Mingyu smile the way he does when he sees you, and I hated you the most because you stole Mingyu’s heart and you didn’t even realized it.”

Wonwoo finally finds the courage to look at the girl in front of him and he feels so guilty, like everything it’s his fault. At this point it feels like he came into to Mingyu’s life to ruin it, to make him and everyone else suffer.

“I did try to pretend I couldn’t see what was in front of my eyes, but it gets pretty hard when once in a while when you’re having sex your boyfriend says his best friend’s name instead of yours, or when he mumbles your name when he sleeps, our how he cried after we had sex the first time.”

And Wonwoo doesn’t know what to say or what to do because what are you supposed to say to something like this? I’m sorry your boyfriend is in love with me? I’m sorry we’ve been holding hands and saying I love you's behind your back? I’m sorry we are the reason you are hurting like this?

“Yerin, I’m—“

“Please don’t say you’re sorry,” and he can hear the anger in her voice. “No matter how mad and hurt I am at all of this there is no way I can blame you for this. You didn’t choose to fall in love with Mingyu, just like I didn’t choose it either. Love is a funny thing isn’t it? It can make you feel the happiest and luckiest person on earth or it can break you to pieces and make you wish you never knew what love is the first place.”

She gets up, but before she leaves she looks at Wonwoo again.

“I’m breaking up with him. I can’t do it anymore. It kills me being with someone I know will never love me back,” after that she leaves and Wonwoo can’t really hold his tears anymore.

 

 

When Mingyu finally gets home after two days of studying in the library and crashing at Yerin’s, he finds Wonwoo asleep on their sofa cuddling the pink stuffed bunny Mingyu won for him that one time they went to the fair.

The truth is he had been trying to give Wonwoo some space, he felt like these days all he did was hurt the other boy without even meaning to.

He runs his fingers through Wonwoo’s hair and places a kiss on top of his head. Now that he knows what it feels to be loved back by the person you love the most in the world he can’t stop wanting more and more and more.

Before his confession it was easy not to think about Wonwoo’s touch, about the way he smells like chocolate when he lays next to Mingyu after a shower, about the way their hands fit together, or his smile when Mingyu says he loves him.

How long will he be able to pretend? How long will he let his father dictate is life?

It all comes down to his father, to wanting to please him. He stopped drawing because he thought it was useless and it took time away from Mingyu’s studying, he stopped crying in front of his father because he told him that men don’t cry, he stopped himself from loving for so long because his father told him that two men together was a sin, it was disgusting and no son of his was _‘going to be a fucking little fag’_.

But then Wonwoo came along all smiles and a loud laughs, breaking through Mingyu’s walls and making the younger boy fall in love without even realizing it. He told him that his art mattered, that being able to draw and paint and make people feel through his art is a beautiful talent, that he was allowed to cry and to feel because he was human, that he was allowed to love a man because that didn't made him less of a person. He taught Mingyu that no matter who you love, no matter who you are, your feelings are valid, your life means something, that he deserves to be happy even if he is in love with a boy.

Mingyu knows he has nothing to be ashamed of, he knows that what he feels is not wrong, dirty or disgusting, but every time he tries to say it out loud to anyone that is not Wonwoo he feels himself suffocating and he can’t do it, he can’t bear the thought of other people thinking he’s disgusting, thinking that he is what’s wrong with the world.

He feels a hand touch his face and when he looks down Wonwoo is looking at him. Wonwoo looks so small and so fragile and Mingyu can’t really stop himself from kissing him and there it is, the feeling of home, the felling of belonging.

Kissing Wonwoo always feels like coming to the warmth of your home after a cold day, like eating your favourite ice cream on a warm summer day. It feels right and it makes Mingyu never want to leave Wonwoo’s embrace.

“I missed you,” is all Mingyu says when they break the kiss and Wonwoo caresses his face with his thumb.

Wonwoo wonders if he should tell Mingyu about Yerin’s visit, about what she said. He figures he should because he knows the moment Yerin breaks up with him he is going to panic and think everyone will find out about him.

“Yerin was here earlier,” he starts.

“Really? Doing what?”

Wonwoo takes a deep breath before talking again. “She came to tell me that she knows. She knows that you love me and she knows that I love you.”

Mingyu stands up abruptly and Wonwoo sits on the sofa and looks up at the younger boy.

“She also said that she was going to break up with you because she can no longer be with someone who doesn’t love her back.”

Mingyu rubs his hands on his face while he mumbles repeatedly ‘no no no no’ and seconds later he’s out of the door, leaving Wonwoo to wonder how much longer the both of them can take.

Wonwoo thinks how unfair this whole thing is on them, Mingyu is 19 and he is 20, how is it fair that they are suffering like this just for loving each other.

 

 

“Are you really breaking up with me?” He asks as soon as Yerin opens the door.

“I should’ve known Wonwoo was going to tell you,” she says as she lets him in inside the house.

She sits on her sofa but Mingyu refuses to do it, he’s too anxious. His whole lie, the image he so carefully built for himself is crumbling down.

“You can’t do that. You… You can’t, you can’t,” he takes a deep breath because he feels like he’s drowning over and over again.

“I can’t do that?” She gives him an empty laugh. “I’m in love with someone who never loved me back. I’m a toy in your little ‘let’s pretend I’m straight’ game, Mingyu. You’re selfish! And I’m a dumb girl for thinking I could make you love me, that if I tried hard enough you could see how good we are together, that if I pretended enough I could believe you loved me back.”

“But the truth is that you love Wonwoo. You loved Wonwoo when you asked me to be your girlfriend and you love Wonwoo now.”

How has his life become this messy in the space of two months? Before the god damn kiss in October his life had been perfect, as perfect as it can be when you’re a closeted gay guy, but then Hansol made that stupid question and Mingyu stupidly kissed Wonwoo and the lie he had so carefully built started to crumble down. Worse than all of that was hurting the people he loved, people who had nothing to do with his hatred for himself, with the hate he feels for his dad for making him feel like this, the hate he feels for this society that thinks they can dictate who is right for you to love and if you don’t follow that pattern you can be lucky and people won’t give a fuck, or you can be extremely unlucky and your life will pretty much end.

“Yerin please—“

“I’m done, Mingyu,” she yells and Mingyu flinches because he never saw Yerin this angry. “I’m done. I’m done with listening to your monologues about how great Wonwoo is, I’m done having to hear you moan Wonwoo’s name when he have sex, I’m done being the main toy in this lie you’ve built for yourself.”

She approaches Mingyu and looks him in the eyes, all traces of anger replaced by a soft look that makes Mingyu’s hear clench. “I hear you cry every time we do it when you think I’m sleeping. I hear every word you say.”

“I’m so sorry, Yerin,” before he knows it he’s on his knees sobbing and with Yerin by his side rubbing small circles on his back. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I love you, I swear I do but—“

“You were never in love with me,” she says with a small voice. “You gave your heart away long before I walked into your life, and maybe it’s time you let yourself be happy for once.”

 

 

Wonwoo waits for Mingyu to come home. He waits and waits and waits, but Mingyu never comes. It’s 8am and there’s no sign of him and Wonwoo starts to worry because he knows that there is no way Yerin would’ve taken Mingyu back, no matter what the other boy had to say. What if he did something stupid?

He calls Mingyu, he leaves messages but all of them go unanswered. He starts calling all of their friends and no one has heard of him, it’s when he calls Minghao that he finally finds out where his best friend has been.

 _“Yeah, he’s here but right now he is dead to the world on my sofa,”_ Wonwoo is surprised because Mingyu and Minghao were never particularly close, in fact Mingyu is not close with anyone except Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Wonwoo.

“Thank God,” a wave of relief goes through Wonwoo’s body. “Please tell him to call me or send me a text when he wakes up, okay?”

 _“I will. And Wonwoo, don’t worry yourself too much, okay?”_ Wonwoo always forgets how caring Minghao actually is, maybe it’s because he never talks much.

“I won’t. Please take care of him.”

 

“So, are you telling me why I just lied to your best friend?” Minghao questions Mingyu.

The tall boy just shrugs and doesn’t say nothing.

“You don’t wanna talk about it?” Mingyu shakes his head. “Talking is not what they make it out to be anyways.”

That makes Mingyu smile a little and Minghao is glad because he’s not really used to see him like this.

They spend the whole morning playing board games, which is very funny because looking at Minghao he would’ve never thought that he liked these type of games. They order some pizza and talk about the weather, their classes, the night outs Mingyu and Wonwoo have been ditching.

“Yerin broke up with me,” Mingyu says casually after biting into his slice of pizza.

“Now it makes sense that you would be like this,” and Mingyu doesn’t blame his friend for not even noticing that it’s not that what’s upsetting him and making him feel like shit. They were never really close, and that’s one of the reasons Mingyu decided to come here instead of going home were Wonwoo was.

 

He leaves after a while and is at a loss at where he should go next, all he knows is that he doesn’t want to go home, he doesn’t want to look at Wonwoo’s face and be reminded of the hurt he is causing.

So he goes to Seungcheol. When he gets there all he can do is hug his childhood friend as soon as he opens the door.

“Hey, what going on?”

“I screwed up. I screwed up big time.”

He tells Seungcheol everything. How he never really loved Yerin, how he just started dating her to please his father, how she broke up with him and he was more upset over what his father would think than the fact that he was being dumped.

“But your father never got to meet her did he?”

“Of course not, he was always busy with work. But it’s knowing that his son, future doctor, top of all classes, has a girlfriend that matches his status. That’s what matters to my dad, he doesn’t give two shits about anything else.”

Seungcheol knows there’s more to it than what Mingyu is telling him but he decides not to push it because that will only make worse.

 

 

When Mingyu gets home later he makes sure Wonwoo isn’t there.

He doesn’t know what to do, so he does what he always has done best and runs away. He runs away because he can’t deal with hurting the people he loves further and further, he runs away because being here will only suffocate him to the point where he won’t be able to take it anymore.

He grabs some of his clothes and throws them into his bag and leaves the flat he shares with Wonwoo without looking back.

 

When Wonwoo gets home all he finds is a post it with ‘sorry’ written on it and he knows. He knows that Mingyu left him for good, he knows that he probably won’t see the boy he loves again.

He was ready for an outcome like this, he swears he was, but that doesn’t stop him from crying his heart out.


	2. 02.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you more than I love Gale Hawthorne, and that’s saying a lot, I hope you know that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just going to do 2 parts but alas it turns out it might be 3.
> 
> This is not as good as the first part so feel free to yell at me on my social media [Twitter](https://twitter.com/tuansmarc) // [Tumblr](https://http://kimseeokjins.tumblr.com/) or just in the comments. If there's any grammar mistakes I'm sorry it's just that I've read this so many times it looks all good to me.

After that day Mingyu’s mom came to pick up the rest of his things and when she was leaving she gave him a tight hug and a letter with his name on it.

 

He studied like mad for his exams to stop him from thinking about Mingyu and everything that had happened, he avoided anyone that made him think of Mingyu and the only people he actually talked with was his family.

And when he finishes his exams he is glad that he can finally go home and rest for a while, take a moment to breathe. 

It’s when he's putting his stuff into his bag that he finds the letter that Mrs. Kim gave him. He sits on his bed and stares at it for five minutes before opening it. 

 

 

_Dear Wonwoo,_

_Is this even how you start a letter? Is it okay like this? I don’t really know, but that’s how they told us we should start a letter to the people we love when I was in school, so here it goes._

_I’m sorry I left you the way I did. I’m sorry all I left behind was a broken heart and a post it with ‘sorry’ written on it. Ever since I left all I can think about is your laugh when I say something dumb and the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh, the smell of chocolate on your body when you would lay next to me on my bed after a shower, the way we fit together when we hug and the way you feel like coming home whenever we kiss._

_I wish I could make it right by you. I wish I could just get rid of all this fear and just be with you. I’ve never felt so free and happy as when we were in our flat together, laughing and saying ‘I love you’ to each other between eating banana pancakes with chocolate chips and you kicking my ass in videos games._

_Do you remember when we went to the fair and I won you the pink bunny I know you’re holding right now? When we were at the ferris wheel all I wanted to do was kiss you and tell you how much I loved you._

_I’m transferring to a university in America and my dad let me quit medical school for architecture as long as no one finds out I’m gay (one day when I was talking to my mom about all of this he overheard everything and well, it didn't go too well). He even said he would find me a wife so I could marry as soon I finish my degree. How fucked up is that?_

_I’m leaving after the New Year’s eve._

_I guess it’s not fair of me to ask you to wait for me, so please promise me you’ll be happy. Promise you’ll let go of me and that you’ll let yourself be happy without feeling like you’re betraying me._

_Never forget how much I love you and that I always will._

 

_Forever yours,_

_Mingyu_

 

 

 

After reading the whole letter Wonwoo realizes he’s been crying and there are tiny drops on the paper he’s holding.

_Dumb dumb dumb Kim Mingyu_ , how can he think Wonwoo will be happy without him? How can he think that he could ever let go of him? 

This is it, he figures. He got a letter and this is the closure he needed, right? Then why doesn’t it feel like it? Something is still missing. Mingyu is missing.

But there’s nothing he can do now. Mingyu is gone from his life, he’s going to America and he is going to get married to a girl who matches his life status, there will be no space for Wonwoo in the younger boy’s life, not if Mingyu’s father can avoid it. 

He grabs his phone and decides to send the younger boy a text. 

 

 

**To: Mingyu**

i hope you’re okay.

i miss you. 

 

 

 

He goes home and everything is automatic. He wakes up, tries not to think about Mingyu, eats, thinks about Mingyu, engages in minimum social activity, tries not to think about Mingyu, eats again, and goes to bed thinking about Mingyu. Wash and repeat. 

Christmas passes and nothing really happens, but he makes sure to text Mingyu wishing a happy Christmas but he doesn’t get a reply. 

His parents and his brother keep asking the same questions and his answers are always the same. 

(“I’m okay.”

 “This semester was just a little bit too rough on me, that’s all.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Me and Mingyu are fine.”)

The truth is that it’s not fine. Nothing is. 

Mingyu being trapped inside his house with a man that hates him. Mingyu leaving. The thought of Mingyu being miserable and alone. So on New Year’s eve he takes his parents car and tells them that he’s going to Mingyu’s and that he will be back later.

 

He gets there and suddenly all his courage turns into fear. He breathes and tries to calm himself down. 

_This really is my last chance,_ Wonwoo thinks. 

If nothing comes out of this he knows he has to let Mingyu go, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it’s gonna break him. 

 

When he rings the door bell the last person he hopes to see is Mingyu’s father, and he figures it would have been more intelligent if he had texted Mingyu instead telling him to come down to talk to him. 

“I remember telling you to stay away from my son,” the way he spits these words at Wonwoo, so calm, so full of disgust, and it makes Wonwoo feel sick. “And now look, you made him a faggot.”

Wonwoo wants to say something but all he can do is stay frozen in his place. 

“My son is destined for great things. You came into his life to ruin all his plans, to make him dirty like you,” and every word of Mingyu’s dad delusional speech it’s like a little annoying buzz inside his ears that he can’t get rid off no matter what he does. 

“You have no right,” Wonwoo finally says. “You have no right to dictate your son’s life for him, you have no right to tell him who to love, and you have no right to treat us like we’re dirt.”

Wonwoo looks at Mingyu’s dad and he knows the man was not expecting him to talk back. 

“You are an awful father, hating your own son for being himself and making him be someone he never wanted to. He hates himself because of you, he cries himself to sleep sometimes and it’s all because of you, the man that is supposed to love him unconditionally no matter what,” Wonwoo yells. “You disgusting human being. You ruined him. You broke him into tiny little pieces and you refuse to let him put himself together. He hates you!”

All Wonwoo can feel is a hard slap on his face and when he falls on the floor he can feel a kick on his stomach. He can barely make out someone saying _“what did you do?”_ and he doesn’t know who it is because everything is fuzzy and _fuck this hurts like hell._

 

He has his eyes closed because his head is throbbing and then he can feel his hands. He knows it’s Mingyu because he has every trace of him memorized, every little detail, every scar and every mole.

Mingyu helps Wonwoo up, “What are you doing here you idiot? Do you wanna get yourself killed?” 

All Wonwoo does is laugh. 

“Ah, this brat. Stop laughing.”

It’s only when Mingyu’s dad yanks him away that Wonwoo remembers they are not alone. In fact Mingyu’s mom is outside too and Wonwoo can see how much she is suffering. Mingyu is begging his father to let him go _please please let me go, dad please_ and Wonwoo feels sick. He feels so sick that it has to be like this, that a father can’t love a son for who he is.

Mingyu gets away from his father’s strong hold and runs to Wonwoo, hugging him so so tight. 

“Hey Mingyu, it’s alright,” they are resting their foreheads together, looking into each other's eyes and Wonwoo can hear Mingyu’s mom pleading with his father to give them a moment. “Please don’t cry. It’s gonna take more than your father to keep us away from each other. I’ll text you every day, I’ll call you, I’ll write to you like in those movies. Those over romantic ones, you know?”

Mingyu starts laughing.

“God you have the most beautiful laugh. But I promise I won’t let you go unless you want me to.” 

Just as Wonwoo finishes Mingyu’s dad threatens to kill Wonwoo if he even dreams to reach out to his son in any way. As Wonwoo turns his back to walk to his car he can hear Mingyu sobbing and telling his father over and over again how much he hates him. 

 

Mingyu runs to his room as soon as he enters the house and refuses to leave even when his mom comes knocking on his door because it’s almost midnight. 

“Please, come down to celebrate the new year with us,” but Mingyu doesn’t even bother to give an answer. “Please, son.”

He knows he is making his mom sad but he can’t look at his father’s face without getting sick. 

All he can do right now is think about how Wonwoo must be feeling. He thinks that it’s not fair that something like this is happening to them. Why are people allowed to love but when it goes against society’s view of what is right suddenly you are forbidden, it’s like you’ve got a disease?

Mingyu grabs his phone and sends a text to Wonwoo. He smiles when he sees he still has his contact as ‘Wonwow'. The older boy had changed it because according to him _“I’m so incredibly good looking I’m sure your first reaction when you first saw me was ‘WOW!!!!!!’”,_ and barely did he knew that he was right. 

 

**To: Wonwow**

I’m so sorry.

I love you and I promise I will never let you go. 

I’ll call you when I arrive in America, I promise you. 

 

 

**To: Wonwow**

Happy New Year.

Please never forget I love you.

 

 

He starts falling asleep waiting for a reply and part of him, a small small part of him, wishes he wouldn’t wake up again, but the other part pushes that thought away. He thinks about Wonwoo and how he needs to be strong for him, no matter how many times Wonwoo says the only person he needs to be strong for is himself, how he needs to work on himself and loving himself for who he is in order to be able to be happy and love Wonwoo whole heartedly; he thinks about his mom and how painful it must be to see her son in this situation and he thinks about his dad and how much he hates him for ruining his life, for dragging him down and refusing to let him get up. 

It’s like drowning. It’s like every time Mingyu is almost getting to the surface his father keeps pushing him further down. 

 

 

 

Wonwoo doesn't know how he gets home. The whole drive is a blur and when he stops in front of his house he grips the wheel tightly because he won’t cry, he won’t he won’t he won’t. 

He takes a deep breath and looks himself in the car's mirror, and shit he looks like a fucking train wreck. His face is red where Mingyu’s father hit him and he thinks about what the hell will he tell his parents, he can’t really go to them and tell them what happened without telling about Mingyu and he would never break his trust like that, it’s not his secret to tell. 

He forced himself to look okay in front of his whole family, making excuses for looking so exhausted and sad (something that he’s been doing ever since he got home), but there’s so much you can do when you’re feeling like shit. So five minutes after midnight he excused himself and went to his room, his brother gave him a weird look and he knows that his brother probably knows something is not okay and that all of his excuses are bullshit but he is kind enough not to say a single thing. 

He grabs his phone and he sees he has two messages from Mingyu and it’s that that makes him lose it. Once he starts crying he doesn’t think he can really stop.

He’s so mad, so so so mad. He wants to scream, he wants to hit and break everything. 

After he calms himself down he grabs his phone and texts Mingyu back. 

 

 

**To: Mingyu**

don’t worry about me.

and happy new year to you too, you brat. 

i love you!!!!!!!!

 

 

That’s the only contact they have for the next few weeks. Wonwoo knows that Mingyu is probably getting himself acquainted with the new country and trying to get used to living somewhere where he doesn’t know anyone. 

Still he makes sure to send small emails and text messages so the younger knows that he’s not going anywhere. 

 

Classes start and Wonwoo finally makes an effort to see his friends and to hang out, but it feels incredibly incomplete without Mingyu there.

 

Mingyu hates the US. Mingyu hates everyone trying to be friendly with him. Mingyu hates being away from home. 

He gets every text and every email Wonwoo sends but he doesn’t reply to any of them. He doesn’t reply because he’s still trying to wrap his head around the fact that he’s away from home, away from everyone he loves, and because he doesn’t know what to say. 

 

 

“Hello, buddy,” he looks up and sees Seungkwan looking at him with quite the creepy smile. 

The boy sits on the other side of the table and keeps looking at him weirdly. Wonwoo shakes his head and continues to read his book. 

“Ask me what I’m doing here, Wonwoo.”

Wonwoo sighs.

“What are you doing here, Boo Seungkwan?” 

“Ah, I’m glad you ask, kind friend,” trust Seungkwan to put a smile on Wonwoo’s face, even when he’s being a little shit. “As you may know Chan’s birthday is this weekend and I know, I know ‘I’m not in a party mood’,” he tries to mimic Wonwoo’s voice.

“I don’t speak like that.”

“You really do, but that’s not the point, please focus, Wonwoo” and snaps his fingers in front of the older boy’s face. “As I was saying, Chan’s birthday is this weekend and we are having a little get together, nothing really fancy, it’s just our little group.”

Wonwoo thinks about it, and he really needs to get out of his flat or else he might go crazy, but on the other hand he doesn’t really want to go.

His friends always dance around him and treat him like he’s made of glass, that bothers him and makes him want to scream. 

“Come on, Wonwoo. You know you could use the distraction,” Seungkwan adds with a soft voice. 

And there it is, the look of pity in his eyes. 

“I’ll think about it,” he says as he gathers his stuff and leaves. 

“You better come, you asshole,” Seungkwan screams still at the table. 

 

 

When he gets to his flat he’s thankful that his new flatmate isn’t there. It’s not like he hates the guy or something, it’s just that they are basically strangers and more often than not he likes to talk, a lot, and Wonwoo is never really in the mood for it. 

He takes a shower and he might take a little more time than necessary but it’s really the only thing that relaxes him these days. 

He starts making banana pancakes with chocolate chips, he still hates them but it makes him feel like Mingyu is a little bit closer. He doesn’t eat them so he always leaves them for his flatmate. 

It’s when he’s checking his texts (20 texts from Seungkwan saying ‘don’t forget. pls come’ over and over again) that he sees he has two texts from Mingyu and his heart starts racing like mad. 

_Stupid heart._

 

**From: Mingyu**

I’m all settled, Woo. Oh, and my english skills are really A+++++

I hope you feel bad for all those times you made fun of me.

ly!!!!!!!

 

 

**From: Mingyu**

Sorry for not texting you sooner :(

 

 

He should feel silly for two simple texts like these making him feel the happiest he has been in a while but fuck it, it’s Mingyu. It’s the love of his life and his heart is racing like mad, so he presses his name on the contact list and calls him. 

 

 _“Yeah?”_ God he really misses his sleepy voice.

“I’m sorry I woke you up.”

_“Wonwoo,”_ and suddenly it’s like Mingyu’s whole body is wake. _“Wonwoo.”_

He repeats again and it’s the best sound Wonwoo has ever heard.

“Hi,” is all Wonwoo can say, and his heart is beating so fast he thinks it might jump out of his chest. 

_“Hi,”_ Mingyu says back, and Wonwoo can hear a small giggle. _“Wonwoo, how have you been? Have you eaten well? Are you peeing regularly? I know you often forget to go to the bathroom.”_

“Ah, Mingyu, I’m not a child,” it’s all so familiar that Wonwoo can feel his eyes start watering and he almost wants to laugh. 

_“But you sure behave like one a lot of the time.”_

“Ah, this kid, really. Anyway, I called to know how my favourite person is doing?”

_“Look at you being all cute,”_ and Wonwoo sighs at that. “ _But I’m doing well considering this whole thing. My dad got me a huge ass studio to live in because he thinks if I share a dorm with another guy this won’t go away.”_

And even if Mingyu sounds like all of this is funny Wonwoo knows the boy is hurting, and even after what they’ve been through he knows Mingyu too well and he knows the boy doesn’t want to show his other side again. He prefers people seeing him as the bubbly, always too happy Kim Mingyu.

_“Anyway, mom thought it would be a good idea to go to a psychologist to help me deal with everything and being away from home, you know,”_ and he gets quiet for a while. _“I think it’s all a bunch of bullshit anyway, I’ve been going there since I got here and I still hate it here and the rest well…”_

They stay for a while just listening to each other's breathing and everything feels so right, and this moment it’s just theirs. There’s no Mr. Kim to keep them away, there’s no one rushing them, no people to lie to; there’s just the two of them, enjoying each other. 

“Mingyu?”

_“Hmmm,”_ Wonwoo just knows Mingyu is close to drifting off to sleep and for some reason that makes him smile. 

“I love you,” and it’s not what he wanted to say but it just came out. “Sleep well, Gyu. Don’t forget to eat and make friends.”

_“I’m not a kid, you fossil. Also, before I go, a little bird told me you’ve been a recluse in our flat and you barely go out to do anything other than go to class, you overused paperclip,”_ and the way Wonwoo’s heart jumps when he hears Mingyu say ‘our flat’ makes him feel a little pathetic.

“Okay, did you just really call me an ‘overused paperclip’? What’s that even supposed to mean?” 

_“Not the point, Wonwoo. The point is you need to live your life, go out with friends, be happy, enjoy yourself.”_

_Aish, why is this kid giving me a lecture on how to live my life?_

_“Wonwoo, I don’t want you to stop leaving your life because of me. I’m in a completely different country and I’ll be here for the next three years or more, who knows, and the last thing I want is for you to be trapped because of me, because a problem that’s not yours.”_

“Never was one to go out much, anyway. And what the hell, Mingyu?” 

Right now, Mingyu doesn’t feel like going back to sleep anymore.

“You could be on the fucking moon right now that it wouldn’t make a single difference. I wouldn’t stop loving you and I wouldn’t stop missing you. Do you have any idea how it is to wake up and not hearing your obnoxiously loud laugh in the early morning while watching Shin Chan, or the fact that I don’t get to hear you ramble how chocolate chips make everything better or about every architectural detail when we walk around the city?”

Mingyu is about to say something but Wonwoo just continues. 

“Or how much it sucks that every time I come back to our flat I go to your room and call your name because I want to tell you about my day, only it’s not your room anymore and there’s a guy I barely know occupying it because this flat has too many memories and I wasn’t ready to leave this place. Everything sucks without you and whether you like it or not it’s my problem too because I love you and seeing you suffer makes me die inside a little bit everyday. And fuck, I miss the smell of strawberries in your hair so much”

Wonwoo can hear a tiny sob on the other side of the line.

“And for the millionth time, you are not trapping me, Kim Mingyu. You are the love of my life and I will always wait for you. If I had to do this again I would, time and time again because you mean too much to me.” 

This whole phone call turned out a little more depressed than Wonwoo was going for, but if he had to remind Mingyu that he was not going anywhere every time they talk, he would. 

_“Wonwoo,”_ Mingyu says in the softest voice. _“I’m so lucky I have you. I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was it must have been fucking epic.”_

Wonwoo giggles and Mingyu laughs and cries at the same time. 

They stay on the phone talking about everything they can remember and Wonwoo says he’s going to kick everyone’s ass for telling Mingyu he only got out of the house to go to classes and that he looked so sad people felt bad just being in the same place as him (he’s 99.9999999% sure it was all Seungkwan, specially that last one). 

When they say goodbye, with loud laughs and loud kiss sounds, they both think about how they have never felt this happy.

 

 

Mingyu’s adaptation to his new university and to this new place has been _fucking horrible,_ and he makes sure to say so in every consultation he has with his psychologist, between silences and complaints on how the consultations are not helping him at all.

He tells his mom it’s a waste of money but she asks him to keep going because he needs help and he stays quiet because he knows he does, but that doesn’t mean he can do it or that it’s making everything easier. 

Even though he still hates being away from home he managed to make some friends. They are all very loud and very happy and it reminds him of his friends back home. He likes that. 

 

 

 

Mingyu almost forgets his birthday. Almost.

The only reason he doesn’t it’s because he wakes up with someone knocking on his door with flowers and a letter in hand, and he is confused, very very confused. Either he is a lot more charming than he gives himself credit for, or they are giving it to the wrong person. 

“Are you sure this is for me?”

“Are you Kim Mingyu, sir?” and he feels like laughing because it sounds funny when people call him sir when he just turned twenty years old. 

“Yes.”

“Then these are for you.”

The girl gives him a smile and leaves. 

He looks at the flowers and whoever sent them knows his favorites are tulips and for some reason it makes him feel warm inside. It’s been a while since someone had made him something this nice. 

He places the flowers in a jar with water and opens the letter. 

 

 

_Mingyu, MinMin, Gyu_

_Look, this is me writing you a letter like I promised I would._

_Just so you know, it was hard to find a nice florist near the place you live, and they almost didn’t agree with this (something about being a lot of work, which to be honest it isn’t, they just had to deliver the flowers and the letter) but thankfully they have a soft spot for people with sad stories like ours._

_Have you been sleeping well? Are you eating? Please tell me you’ve been taking baths regularly._

_I know you hate to talk about your appointments with the psychologist so I won’t ask about them, but I hope they are going well and I hope you’re doing better._

_Anyway, the guys told me to tell you that they miss you and that it wouldn’t hurt you to call or text sometimes because “this relationship works both ways, you moldy walnut”, and those are Seungkwan’s words, not mine._

_Today I made banana pancakes with chocolate chips, and you’re probably making this weird face you make every time you get confused because you know I hate it, but I make them to feel a little bit closer to you (is that silly? it probably is), it’s not the same but sometimes when I’m making them I can almost feel you hugging me from behind and breathing down my neck. Sometimes it looks like I’m going crazy._

_There was this day when I was with Seungcheol walking around the city and I swore I saw you so I ran calling your name only to find a guy that looked nothing like you. I’m really going crazy aren’t I?_

_Do you remember the day we met? It seems like a life time ago. It was a much simpler time when all I wanted was to get in your pants (God I did think you were hot the second I saw you, but please don’t get cocky about it, it doesn’t suit you). Now I want to marry you, grow old with you, have kids and put up with your loud ass for the rest of my life. Do you think we’ll have that one day?_

_Oh, and did you know that Jeonghan and Jisoo moved in together? It looked kind of rushed, but they are finishing their masters degree and they are really in love, it’s kind of disgusting really, so I guess it was bound to happen. I always liked how people fall in love at a different pace, you know? Like some people fall deeply in love at 15, in the space of a month or two, and they end up together forever, or some people live an intense love but after a few months they fall out of it. I always thought it was pretty stupid of people to categorize your love as real or not real (and can you believe I just thought of that stupid THG ending? Shit, that was awful, but anyways not the point) just because of how old you are._

_Wow I just ended up rambling didn’t I? Did I bore you, Mingyu? Do you still love me after this? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone this boring?_

_Well, either way, jokes on you because I’m not letting you go ever._

_I love you more than I love Gale Hawthorne, and that’s saying a lot, I hope you know that._

_This just got really long. Happy Birthday, Kim Mingyu!_

_I love you so much and you have no idea how much I miss you and how I would kill to be with you right now, making pancakes and cuddling. I don’t know what I did to deserve you (even though I think it’s because of that time I helped my neighbor who was really really reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally old carrying her groceries when I was twelve) but fuck, I’m so glad I have you my life.  
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!!!!!! _

 

_p.s. I sent some presents but they might arrive after your birthday. please don’t be sad that none of them are me at your door with a pink bow on my head._

_from you favourite person, the one you love the most, the cutest fossil, your one and only,_

_Wonwoo_

 

Mingyu laughs. He laughs so loud he almost startles himself. 

Even on the other side of the world Wonwoo can still make him the happiest person, and this boy is the person he really wants to spend the rest of his life with, he realizes. Sure he said it before to Wonwoo, and he meant it, but now, now he is certain he won’t love anyone as he loves Jeon Wonwoo. 

He snaps a quick photo of the letter and the flowers and sends it to the older boy. 

 

 

**To Wonwow:**

Thank you  for everything

ly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And it doesn’t take to long for Wonwoo to text back, even though it's ass o'clock back home.

 

 

**From Wonwow:**  

aaaaaaaa they really sent the prettiest tulips like i asked. 

you know, i told them i wanted tulips as pretty as you. 

ly too, you brat!!!

 

 

He keeps receiving presents for the next few weeks. First it’s just food Mingyu complained they don’t have in the United States, but then he receives a sketchbook with a note that says “For when you decide to start drawing again (and by that I mean my beautiful face and not stuff related to architectural shit)” and then he gets pens, and pencils, and he really wants to go to South Korea and smack Wonwoo because he must’ve spent a fortune in all of this. 

Almost every week he gets something, sometimes two presents in one week, no matter how small, and he keeps telling Wonwoo he needs to stop because he’s starting to get spoiled. 

Wonwoo gets photos of Mingyu with the silliest faces every time he gets a present, and that's always the high light of his day. 

 


	3. 03.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mingyu is very thankful for the people he has in his life. But most of all he is thankful for Wonwoo. He is thankful for the boy that never gave up on him, that waited for him and never forced him to anything he didn’t want to, for loving him in every way possible and for believing in him and helping him realize that he’s worth it."

Mingyu comes to realize that his psychologist has the patience of a saint, but then again he figures it comes with the job. 

It’s been four months since he started these Friday afternoon appointments, sometimes Sundays too if he’s feeling particularly like shit, and all he does is complain, and talk about things that aren’t the reason he is there in the first place, between tired shrugs and heavy silences. 

Today is a Sunday and Mingyu is feeling particularly shitty.

He woke up and he was missing Wonwoo so much it hurt. 

He remembers one particular day when Wonwoo was talking about words that existed in Portuguese that couldn’t be exactly translated in a lot of languages. He remembers when he talked about s _audade,_ how it’s not quite the same as missing someone, how it’s like missing someone so much it physically hurts you some times, how it’s this feeling of loneliness when you think about someone or certain things, how when you feel _saudades_ of someone it’s like a piece of you is missing and nothing feels quite the same as it did before. 

Mingyu had called it bullshit because how is it possible to feel that hurt, lonely or melancholic just by missing something or someone? 

Well, right know he doesn’t think it’s bullshit anymore, because right now he misses Wonwoo so much itfeels like he can’t breathe. 

“How are you feeling, Mingyu?” 

All Mingyu does is give her a tired shrug. He wants to talk, that’s why he always sets these appointments when everything feels worse, but as much as he wants to he can never bring himself to do it.

Dr. Reed decides for another approach to see if the kid will open up. “You talked once about a Wonwoo. Why won’t you talk to me about him?”

Mingyu doesn’t remember talking about Wonwoo with her but he guesses talking about Wonwoo has become a lot like breathing, he barely knows he’s doing it most of the time. 

“Wonwoo is my favorite person in the world,” he starts and he laughs a little at himself. “And when I met him I was in a horrible place, even if I didn’t show it at all, but he was so unapologetic about who he was and I was so jealous, so so so jealous.”

He stops himself and looks at the woman in front of him and he has no idea what she’s thinking right now. He starts rubbing his hands together and bouncing his leg up and down too fast. 

_Is she judging me? She probably thinks I’m disgusting. She’s gonna tell my dad and this time it won’t be just empty threats, he will really kill me._

Mingyu doesn’t know where to look so his eyes keep moving around the room but then Dr. Reed starts speaking. 

“Hey, Mingyu, it’s okay. You can trust me, okay? This is a safe place, I’m never gonna judge you and I need you to know that.”

And there’s a softness to her tone that makes Mingyu relax even if it’s just a little. 

For the rest of the appointment Mingyu just talks about Wonwoo and about how much he is missing his mom and his friends.

After that appointment Mingyu feels things getting a little better and it reflects on him and the people around him. His mom smiles more whenever they Skype and Wonwoo doesn’t sound too worried whenever they speak. He’s also made an effort to talk with his friends back home a little more.

 

+++

 

“Mingyu, I was thinking—“

“Well shit, nothing good comes out of that.”

It’s 4a.m in New York and Mingyu couldn’t sleep for shit so he decided that the next best thing was to Skype with Wonwoo. 

“Shut up, you wet fart. Anyway, as I was saying before being interrupted, I was thinking and we should have Skype dates.”

“Dates? But… Are we dating?” And Mingyu can see all the blood drain from Wonwoo’s face and he looks like he’s about to die on the spot. 

“Oh… I— hmmm. You know—“

“I’m so sorry, Wonwoo, I was just joking. Please don’t die on me, oh my God!” He tries but he can’t stop laughing and he’s pretty sure if he was with the older boy right know he would be having his ass kicked to fucking Pluto. 

“I swear to all the Gods above I’m going to fucking kill you one day, Kim Mingyu. You are testing me, you piece of bird poop.”

“Is that how you talk to your handsome boyfriend who happens to be living on the other side of the world? Bad Wonwoo, very bad Wonwoo.”

“Shut up, stop talking to me like I’m a dog.”

“I just thought I was worthy of at least a nice way of you asking me to be your boyfriend. I’m hurt, Jeon. Don’t you love me enough? Am I that insignificant to you?” He can see Wonwoo roll his eyes so much he fears they’ll be stuck. 

“I told you not to talk with Seungkwan and Seokmin for long periods of time. But okay if you want me to ask you be my boyfriend in a nice and romantic way, you are gonna get it. Prepare yourself to be blown away, babe.”

Wonwoo disappears for a moment and then comes back with the pink bunny Mingyu got him and flowers. 

“Well I wish I could give you these flowers but you know, with distance and all.”

“And the bunny what is he there for?”

“Well, it was the first thing you gave me and you told me all you wanted to do was kiss me that day,” he says wiggling his eyebrows. “So it’s only fair he gets to witness this go down.”

Mingyu would never guess that Wonwoo was like this. Sure, Wonwoo had always been funny and very affectionate with people, but Wonwoo in a relationship is a whole other level. 

Wonwoo clears his throat and looks at Mingyu who is about to burst out laughing. 

“Mingyu, love of my life, fire of my loins, my left and right arm, the Achilles to my Patroclus, the Enjolras to my Grantaire, the—“

“Oh my God, Wonwoo are you asking me to be your boyfriend anytime today or should I take a nap?”

“First of all, rude! Second of all, I got a bit carried away, sorry my sweet potato,” all Mingyu can do is laugh at the pet name because of course Wonwoo would be like this. “Since the day I met you that I wanted a free pass into your pants, but that you already knew, and somehow, without me even noticing it, that want and lust turned into me wanting to marry the fuck out of you and kiss you stupid while doing some hardcore cuddling, and wanting you around the rest of my life because the thought of not having you next to me frightens me the fuck out.”

Mingyu didn’t know he was a cry baby before he and Wonwoo confessed to each other but shit, now every time Wonwoo says something a little more sentimental his eyes always start watering. He figures it’s all the tears he stopped himself from crying all these years. 

“Are you crying already?”

“I’m not crying, I’m just allergic to your lame ass.”

That earns him a loud laugh from the older boy. 

“I know I said I would be there for you even if you decided to pretend you didn’t love me at all and that I would still love you all the same, and I would have because you are you and I love you, but I’m so glad that you decided to chose me and that you decided to love me despite everything. Because even on the other side of the world you can still make me the happiest person and no matter what, you love me, and trust me, there is no better feeling than that.”

“Well, Wonwoo, after this I’m expecting a marriage proposal.”

“Ah you little fucker! Why you gotta kill my vibe, Gyu? Is it because I was making you cry?”

“I wasn’t crying!”

“Sure, you weren’t. Anyway I love you and yada yada yada, so please Kim Mingyu, fire of my loins, the Achilles to my Patroclus, will you be my boyfriend?”

Mingyu makes a weird face and Wonwoo could very well kiss that stupid face away. In fact, that’s all he wants right now. 

“I swear, Mingyu, if you say no after this beautiful and romantic confession I will never talk to you again.”

Mingyu finds it cute that Wonwoo thinks he could ever reject his confession, and right now Wonwoo has this cute grumpy expression on his face and all he wants is to pinch his cheeks. 

“Wonwoo, do you really think I would tell you no? I love you and Skype dates actually sound great.”

Wonwoo gives him the biggest smile and Mingyu thinks in life there are fewer things more beautiful than Wonwoo’s smile.

 

+++

 

Mingyu’s life in New York has become a little bit better and he even goes to the small hangouts his group of friends have at the coffee shop on campus. 

Even though it’s not the same as how it is with his friends back home, Mingyu feels good with them and that sure is something. 

“Who’s the cute guy in your background?” Dahlia asks one day. 

“Oh it’s just my boyfriend, Wonwoo.”

Mingyu slaps his hand on his mouth and looks around to his group of friends but no one seems to flinch or act weird, so he keeps himself from freaking out too much and tries to stop his leg from jumping up and down at the speed of light. 

“Of course a gorgeous guy like you would have an even gorgeous boyfriend. Even prettier than you.”

“I can’t believe this betrayal.”

 

+++

 

When he was going home later that day he might have walked a little faster than he would normally and the second he got home he called Dr. Reed. 

As soon as she answers his call he starts rambling and he doesn’t even know what he is rambling about. 

_“Hey, Mingyu, can you breathe for me? In and out. In and out.”_

He does as she says and calms himself down a little. He’s not sure if he’s freaking out because he just told someone out loud that he has a boyfriend or if it’s because he told someone he had a boyfriend and the world didn’t end like he thought he would and no one came to burn him alive and scream ‘sinner’ at him. 

_“Now, what happened?”_

“I told people Wonwoo was my boyfriend,” he pauses and takes a moment to breathe again. “I told people I had a boyfriend and the world didn’t fall apart.”

If he’s being honest it feels quite liberating. It feels like he just dropped a huge weight out of his back, but he also has a tiny little part of him that’s still afraid, that maybe his father will find out for some reason and he will do something about it. 

_“How do you feel about it?”_

“I— I guess I feel like I just took a huge step forward and it doesn’t frighten me as much as it used to. I’m still afraid people will cast me aside, that my father will do something to me, but for the most part, even though I’m sweating buckets and I can’t stop shacking, I feel good. I feel pretty good and I don’t know how to feel about all of this.”

_“It’s okay to still feel a little afraid even if it feels liberating all at the same time. It’s gonna get some time before you get used to the idea of people knowing about it.”_

 

+++

 

Wonwoo’s been trying to decide if he should go to the little get together his friends are making at Jeonghan’s and Jisoo’s but then again his sofa looks so appealing right now. 

He had pulled an all nighter to finish an essay and he really really needs some sleep but he if he misses another one of these things his friends may very well kill him. 

Wonwoo also wishes people would stop knocking on his door every time he’s felling very lazy, which is almost everyday.

“Who is it?” He yelled from the sofa. 

“Open the door, you knucklehead.”

He was expecting everyone except Yerin, if he’s being honest. Ever since she came to the flat to tell him she knew about everything that they hadn’t talked. They saw each other on campus sometimes but he wanted to give her space.

“Shit! You look like you died four days ago.”

“Hello to you too.”

“Are you going to let me in or…” 

“I’m just gonna let you stand here. What do you want, brat?” 

“Ah Wonwoo, is that how you treat a friend you haven’t spoken to in months?” She says pinching his nose.

“Ouch! And I wanted to give you your space, you know? I didn’t want to be all over the place while you were trying to get on with your life.”

And it was the truth, or at least part of it. He really wanted to give her the space she needed to get over everything that happened but also because he was ashamed how they did things. He was ashamed that he and Mingyu kissed and made love confessions all behind her back. 

“Thank you, I really appreciate that. Even though I really did love Mingyu, I realized that it wasn’t the love I thought it was. It wasn't the ‘I’ll love you for the rest of my life’ or ‘You are the one’ kind of love,” she says waving her hands all over the place. “So really, there was no need for you to ignore me for the past four months, you idiot.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You say sorry an awful lot for someone that did nothing wrong. Now go get dressed, we have places to be.”

 

“Oh look at who decided to make an appearance,” Soonyoung yells from the couch. “Boy, who knew you were still alive.”

“For all we knew you could’ve been dead. It’s great to know you’re not,” Vernon offers.

“Ha ha ha! What a bunch of comedians we’ve got here.”

“Aw don’t get mad, I mean, how long have you disappeared on us? Two weeks? A year? A century? We barely remembered your face anymore.” Jihoon teases from the kitchen table.

“Oh shut up, you pocket sized garden gnome.”  He sits down between Minghao and Junhui because at least he can trust the both of them not to drag his ass. " Plus, I saw you guys two days ago.” 

“That’s a lot in friendship years, you know?” He almost jumps out of the sofa because Chan literally appeared out of nowhere behind him on the sofa. 

“What the fuck, Chan?” He complains and smacks the younger boy on the head. “Anyway, Minghao how is the guy you were dating?”

“One, I wasn’t dating him. Two, I stopped seeing him,” he just shrugs and turns to do whatever he was doing on his phone. 

“Epic dumping, if you ask me,” Jeonghan starts. “He literally sent a text to the guy after their third date that said ‘Nsync_byebyebye.mp3’ and never called him again.”

Wonwoo laughs so hard he has tears in his eyes and really, that’s just a thing Minghao would do and he is not one bit surprised. 

“The guy was a fucking asshole. He kept making jokes from the moment I told him I was pansexual,” he says as he picks up a slice of the cake on the coffee table. “I had to gather all my fucking strength not to wushu his ass to another fucking galaxy.”

Knowing Minghao he probably would’ve kicked the guy’s ass, like he did once last year, but he’s practicing on being a calmer guy, counting to ten and trying not to fight. Sometimes he reminds Wonwoo a lot of Donald Duck, not like he would ever tell Minghao that.

“Seokmin take your dirty feet off my precious coffee table,” Jisoo says as he slaps his feet away. 

“So Wonwoo, how is our beloved and shitty friend, who sucks at keeping in touch, Kim Mingyu?” Yerin asks as she comes out of the bathroom.

“He’s great and he always says he’s sorry for being shit at keeping in contact with you guys. We also have a date in like two hours, so I won’t be staying long.”

“You have a Skype date?” Jeonghan asks and Wonwoo nods. “Oh my God, that is so cute.”

“And lame.”

“Shut up, Seungkwan,” Jeonghan and Wonwoo say at the same time.

 

+++

 

Wonwoo felt kind of silly to be putting so much effort for a Skype date but then Wonwoo thinks about Mingyu and it’s okay because truth be told, Mingyu makes him feel silly all the time. 

He can’t help but laugh at himself when his heart starts racing when he sees Mingyu’s name pop up. 

_Calm down._

“Hi,” Wonwoo says a little too loud and too fast as soon as Mingyu appeared on screen with the biggest smile on his face. 

“Someone is excited to see his boyfriend,” and the way Wonwoo blushes makes his heart jump a little. 

“We haven’t seen each other in three days because we were studying, and photos are not the same thing.”

“Ah, you are cute, Jeon Wonwoo. So cute!” 

All Wonwoo can do is blush. He loves Mingyu so much and all he wants is too scream to the whole world how lucky he is to have Mingyu, to be the one he loves. 

“Wonwoo, I have very exciting news. Please hold on to you seat,” and Mingyu clears his throat as Wonwoo does the drum rolls. “I told my friends over here I have have boyfriend.”

“Really?”

Mingyu nods and his smile is so big he barely has his eyes open.

“Yes, babe! Progress!”

Wonwoo couldn't possibly be more happy for Mingyu. He knows how much he has suffered until now and for him tell someone that’s not his mom about them is big step. 

“I wanted to run away after I did it and it took all of my strength not to breakdown right there in front of them, but then they were so cool with it and gradually I just got calmer and calmer. The world didn’t end, Wonwoo. I’m happy!”

Wonwoo may or may not be wiping a few tears that started to roll down his face without as much as a warning. Wonwoo knows how much Mingyu had struggled to accept who he is, he saw how it was destroying the younger boy, and to see that same boy in front of him telling him all this with the biggest smile on his face… There’s really not much that could make Wonwoo as happy as he is right now. 

“Wonwoo, are you crying?” Mingyu asks with the softest voice and Wonwoo cries a little bit more. 

_Kermit on a fucking leg, Jeon Wonwoo. Get your act together!_

“Shhhh, leave me alone, Kim Mingyu!”

“Awwww babe, I love you,” Mingyu says simply. 

And they spent the rest of their Skype date talking about the last three days where they didn’t spoke much with each other. How Jun’s coffee shop date turned out into all of them in one of the tables spying on their friend and making a huge mess because Seungkwan and Seokmin wouldn't stop yelling ‘Go get him, Sooyoung!’ and ‘Sooyoung, he's had a crush on you since he saw you dancing. Please don’t break my boy’s heart!’ and almost got them kicked out and killed by Junhui while Sooyoung just laughed; how Dahlia, to Wonwoo’s amusement, said he was prettier than Mingyu or how Soonyoung approached this guy on campus and used his ‘my name is Soonyoung, but you can call me soon’ pick up line on him, only to find out later that he was the new TA in one of his classes and now the guy won’t let him live that down. 

“Also,Yerin came by today.”

“She probably sensed you were avoiding her.”

“I was not avoiding her, you dickstain. I was trying to give her space,” everyone is a pain in Wonwoo’s ass, he concludes. 

“Ouch! You wound me, love. I’m always so sweet with you but you always treat me so bad. I wonder if you love me at all,” he says as he pretends to wipe a tear from the corner of his eye.

“Anyway, _sweetheart_ , we talked and we’re cool and you know, I kind of missed her. She was always kind of a pain in my ass, but I love her.”

“I’m glad she’s okay. I guess I should call her and just try and salvage what little relationship we still might have,” he says regretful. He thinks everyday how he did things and how he selfish he was to just lie to her. 

“She’s not mad at you, Mingyu. But yeah it would be good for the two of you to talk to each other now that it has been a while.”

They decided that every Sunday night was a date night for Wonwoo and Mingyu, and they would always be hours and hours on the computer laughing, and talking, and sometimes just doing university work but just knowing that the other was there felt good. It felt like home.

 

+++

 

If someone were to ask Mingyu he would say that he had never felt as good and happy as he is right know, even if he often pushes to the back of his head the little voices that say all of this is too good to be true and sooner or later he will have some reality check.

And really, when Mingyu opens the door to see his father standing there looking angrier than the last time he saw him, he thinks he should’ve seen it coming from miles away.

“Aren’t you going to invite your father in?”

“Not really, no,” and he doesn’t know where all this boldness is coming from but the look on his father’s face makes it worth it. 

“It looks like you’ve picked up some sense of humor,” he says while pushing is away inside. “I thought I had told you to stop seeing that friend of yours. That was our agreement, wasn’t it?”

Mingyu stays silent, never quite looking at his father. 

“I asked you something!”

“Yes, it was, father,” Mingyu says in such a small voice he’s not even sure his father was able to hear him. 

“I would let you go ahead with this architecture non sense and this rebellious act if you stopped seeing that faggot,” and there it is, Mingyu thinks. The disgust, the anger. “It seems to me that you are just in a hurry for this arranged marriage to happen sooner than expect.”

Suddenly Mingyu just can’t hear anything anymore. The man in front of him is speaking but all Mingyu can do is stay frozen in his place, wanting to scream and shout and throw everything he can at his father.

“No!” Mingyu hears himself say.

“What?”

“I’m not gonna marry anyone that you choose for me. I’m not going to stop seeing Wonwoo and to be completely honest I don’t give a single fuck if people know I like boys. Disown me for all I care, father, because anything is better than how you make me feel, how you made me feel all my life for being someone you hate and feel disgust towards,” he takes a deep breath and looks at his father in the eye for the first time. “Do you have any idea what it’s like growing up knowing you would never be accepted by the person that is supposed to love you unconditionally? Knowing who you are but having to pretend in front of everyone just so I don’t get beat up by kids in school or put in therapy to cure this disease you think I have?”

“How dare you talk like that to me? I’m your father and I know what is best for you. You owe me respect.”

And all Mingyu can do is laugh so loud he startles the man in front of him. 

“I owe you shit! You were barely a father to me growing up. Financially supporting me and only talking to me to ask about my grades or to make me feel like shit can barely be called good parenting. Or parenting at all. I hate you! I’ve hated you all my life. You are the reason I would always wake up screaming at night, why it's so hard to love myself, why I had to hide and hide and hide all my life to feel something that could resemble to love and respect coming from you. So go ahead, hit me, disown me, do whatever because I really don’t care anymore. I’m tired of pretending, I’m tired of hurting just so I can please you.”

“And do you think you can manage without my money, boy?” His father asks in a mocking tone. 

“Thankfully you’re not the only family I have,” Mingyu shoots back before asking his father to leave. 

Mingyu hadn’t even realized how much he was shaking until his father left and he just lets himself fall on the floor.  He’s been keeping so much bottled inside for so long that he just cries and cries and cries until he can’t do it anymore and his eyes are hurting and the sky has turned dark. But in the midst of everything Mingyu feels free. He feels like he can finally breathe again after God knows how many years, and then he smiles. He smiles because he doesn’t feel like he's drowning anymore, he doesn’t feel the tight grip of his father always pushing him down every time he tries to surface. 

But the thing is, Mingyu finds later, even if it feels good at first everything comes back  crashing the next day and it feels like fucking shit; all his doubts and fears come back to punch him in the face and leave him curled up around himself in bed crying and wanting the world to stop for a while so he can keep up. And he has this urge to call his father and ask him to forgive him, tell him that he wasn’t in his right mind, and he knows his father would accept him back because he’d rather see his son crawling back and being miserable for the rest of his life than having people know he likes boys, but he stops himself because he doesn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life hating himself just to make his father happy.

 

+++

 

It’s been two week since the last time Wonwoo spoke with Mingyu and to say that he was worried sick was a little understatement. He tried texting, calling, snaps, everything, but they all went unanswered and he was starting to feel anxious. 

He knows Mingyu, even better than he probably knows himself sometimes, and he would never do this, not now when they are in such a good place.

He can’t sleep because every time he closes his eyes a hundred possible scenarios pass through his head and on the rare occasion he manages to actually sleep he wakes up startled and trying to reach for someone that isn’t there.

It’s been two weeks and Wonwoo doesn’t know why Mingyu isn’t talking to him and it’s eating him alive. 

“Hey Wonwoo, I’m sure everything is fine,” and he just wants Seungcheol to teach him how to be so calm when Mingyu is on the other side of the world and hasn’t been talking to anyone. 

“Yeah, maybe he just got tired of me and decided to dump me without so much as a word.”

“Don’t talk like that because you know Mingyu would never do that,” Seungcheol insists. 

“Well it’s very hard to believe that right now,” he pauses and takes a deep breath. “But the thing is, he’s not the only one that suffers, and I understand what he is going through and I know it’s not easy, but I just want him to talk to me instead of just being quiet for two fucking weeks!”

He says his goodbyes to Seungcheol and heads home. 

 

+++

 

Wonwoo almost falls on his ass when he sees Mingyu right there in front of his door, on the floor with his legs crossed and his head down. Right now, at the sight of his boy right there, it’s like Wonwoo was never mad because Mingyu is right there and Mingyu is okay, physically at least.

Suddenly Mingyu looks up and they are looking each other in the eye and it’s like the world around them just stops.

“You changed the lock,” Mingyu says as he gets up. 

“You haven’t said nothing to me in two weeks and that’s the first thing you say, you fucking asshole?” Wonwoo hears his voice crack and he can feel the tears starting to build up in his eyes. 

Mingyu just runs to him and hugs him so tight Wonwoo can barely breathe while repeating a mantra of _sorry sorry sorry sorry_. 

All Wonwoo can do is hug his boyfriend back, rubbing circles on in back. 

After a while Wonwoo takes Mingyu inside the flat and into his room. They sit on his bed and he waits until Mingyu is ready to say something. He lets the younger stay with his head down collecting his thoughts and trying to figure out how to say things. 

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu says and it’s barely audible.

Wonwoo stays quiet because he has all these questions that he wants to ask but he also wants to let Mingyu just talk.

“I know you’re probably really mad at meand really, you have every right to be,” he pauses and takes a deep breath. “My dad payed me a small visit two weeks ago because he found out about us… Again,” Mingyu laughs and it’s empty and Wonwoo looks at him and sees the dark circles under his eyes that tell him that Mingyu hasn’t had proper rest in two weeks. “He said I must’ve been in a rush for the arranged marriage to happen, so I fought back. I refused, Wonwoo. I told him I wouldn’t leave you. I did it.”

Mingyu looks at Wonwoo and smiles. He smiles so big and so bright that Wonwoo almost forgets he was mad at him in the first place. _Almost._

“But why did you stop calling? Why did you stop talking to me? I thought something had happened to you! I was so worried!” 

Mingyu grabs Wonwoo’s hand and caresses it. “I was so lost, Wonwoo. It felt so good after I did it but then it was as if reality hit me like a ton of bricks and all I wanted was to call my dad and tell him I was sorry, that everything I said was just a little rebel act, but then,” his hands start shaking a little so he tights his grip on Wonwoo’s. “But then I thought about how shit my life has been because of him, and I thought about you and you don’t deserve that. _I_ don’t deserve that!”

And Mingyu then says how his father basically disowned him and that all he has his the money on his bank account, which is still plenty, Wonwoo points out, and how he needs a job because there’s no way his mom will be able to send him money without his father finding out. 

“I’m afraid Wonwoo, what if my father’s right? What if I won’t be capable of managing my life without him or his money?”

“Stop thinking like that. We’ll help you find a job and if you want there’s always a spare room in my house for when we’re free out of university,” he looks at his boyfriend and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re not alone, Mingyu. You have me, and our friends, your mom. I know it’s tough and I can’t possible imagine what it must feel like to be kick out by your own father, but I’m here and I’ll never leave you alone.”

Mingyu hugs Wonwoo because that’s the only thing he can do right now. He hugs Wonwoo has if his life depends on it because it has been months since he has held Wonwoo in his arms, it’s been so long since he felt this safe.

“Just so you know, I’m still mad at you,” Wonwoo whispers softly in his ear. 

 

+++

 

It’s not easy to find a job when you have zero experience, but he finally finds one at the campus stationary store. The income is not much but it’s enough to help pay rent and food but Wonwoo still insists on helping him pay for his food expenses (even when he insists he has money on his account and can afford his own food) and he can’t help but feel guilty about that, especially when they don’t even live in the same flat. 

Finding a place to live that he can afford is even more complicated, even if still has some money in his bank account he can’t really afford an expensive place to live. 

“I told you guys to stop bringing me food,” Mingyu says as Minghao puts a box of take way in front of him at the end of his shift. “I can still manage to buy my own food.”

“I know Gyu, but we just want to help until your mom can give you some money. It’s really no big deal to us. We love you,” and he flashes him smile. 

“Why do you have the pansexual flag around your neck?” 

“Well buddy, it never hurts to remind people.”

“Any interesting encounters because of that?” half of Mingyu is just really curious to know if Minghao has punched someone already today. 

“Yeah. I almost straggled a guy with the flag because he thought he was being oh so funny and I swear I tried to avoid it, but there was this guy that was just asking to be punched,” he waits for Mingyu to close the store and they start walking together. “Like how can it be 2016 and people are still so close minded?”

“I don’t know buddy, let’s just hope it will change soon.”

 

+++

 

Mingyu is very thankful for the people he has in his life. 

He is thankful for his friends that are always there for him, even when he tries to avoid them at all costs. He's thankful for his mom because even after his dad kicked him out she still found a away to give him money and help him find a nice place to live “because there is no way I’m gonna let my only son struggle just because your dad is a poor excuse for a human being”, and he's thankful for his grandparents and aunts and uncles for still accepting him the way he is and for opening their arms to him and let him know that he has in them people he can trust. 

But most of all he is thankful for Wonwoo. He is thankful for the boy that never gave up on him, that waited for him and never forced him to anything he didn’t want to, for loving him in every way possible and for believing in him and helping him realize that he’s worth it. 

 

Coming back home wasn’t easy for Mingyu. It was hard to accept that his father didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, even if he hates him with all his being. It was hard to settle and even harder to learn how to accept the help of people around him, but he managed.

Not having university to go back to was something that messed up his routine but with all the sat backs he has suffered this year, it’s for the best that he starts all over again next school year, when almost all of his friends and his boyfriend have finished, he thinks sadly.

“Everything's all right, my soft cinnamon roll?” Wonwoo teases. 

“Okay, at first the pet names were funny but now it’s just really embracing, babe,” Mingyu says and Wonwoo laughs because he knows how much Mingyu hates these pet names. “And yeah, everything is fine, I was just thinking how much of a mess my life actually is and how glad I am to have you all in my life.”

Wonwoo pulls Mingyu closer so that he is sat in between his legs and with his back pressed against his chest and rests his head on his shoulder. 

“It’s kind of a mess but you’re pulling it together pretty nicely,” he says softly, hugging his boyfriend even tighter. “And it will probably take while until you feel like everything is in its place, but we’re all here to help you. And look, months ago you were in a very bad place and look at you now? Little by little, step by step, we’ll get there.”

“Have I told you today how much I love you?” Mingyu asks as he turns his head to the side to look at Wonwoo. 

“You did, but it doesn’t hurt to hear it again,” he smiles so big that Mingyu’s heart skips a beat. 

“I love you,” and he kisses Wonwoo’s nose. “I love you,” then he turns around and kisses both his eyelids. “I love you,” then a soft kiss on his forehead. “I love so much,” and he kisses his mouth repeatedly as he says _‘I love you I love you I love you’._


	4. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And Wonwoo realizes that to him Mingyu is like a nice summer day."

“Ah Wonwoo, tell your fat cat to get off of me, I can barely breathe,” Mingyu whines as he looks the cat dead in the eye. 

“How come when she does things you hate she’s _my_ cat but when she’s being all cute she’s _our_ cat?”

“That’s how parenthood works, my dear husband,” he says. “Really, I don’t make the rules it’s just how it is.”

Wonwoo laughs and sits down on the sofa and puts Mingyu’s legs on his lap and picks up the cat. 

“Don’t worry Amy, I love you enough for both of us, don’t mind this guy,” he says to the cat as he pets her. 

“I still can’t believe I let you call her Amy.”

“Gone Girl was a great movie, babe.”

“Imagine if the cat goes all Amy Dunne on us because you gave her the name of the devil?” 

“Imagine you not being an idiot,” Wonwoo responds and Mingyu gasps pretending to be deeply offended. “Amy Dunne is the best character of all time and I swear I will hit you with the book if you disagree with me.”

“Yeah yeah, I love you too.” 

 

+++

 

At first Wonwoo didn’t know if accepting a teaching job in Busan was the best idea, especially when Mingyu was still in university, but Mingyu being Mingyu told him that there was no way in hell he was turning down such a great opportunity just because he had some sat backs and was still studying. 

He remembers Mingyu saying they had been through worse shit, so he took the offer, but  he would be lying if he said that it wasn’t hard to be away from Mingyu for so long, but they managed, like they always did. And right now, looking at Mingyu playing with their dog at the beach in the early hours of the morning on a Saturday, Wonwoo realizes that these are really the moments that make everything worth it; all the struggles, all the pain and tears, all the moments where they had almost quit.

Living openly as a couple it hadn’t been easy, especially considering Wonwoo’s job as a teacher, but they fought and they fought and even if there are some people who still look at them with judgement they have never been happier, and if Wonwoo is being honest it makes him a little sad that they still can’t get married in their own country but despite that, they still introduce each other has husbands to other people because really being married is more than signing a piece of paper. 

Being married is still having to put up with Mingyu’s love for chocolate chips and waking up with him tickling his feet, it’s Mingyu putting up with Wonwoo’s shitty humor on stressful work days or his rant about Gale Hawthorne because he just won’t let it go, it’s the mess they do in the kitchen when trying to bake something and supporting each other no matter what, so yeah, if people ask, they are married. 

Wonwoo’s thoughts are interrupted by Mingyu’s loud laugh, and he looks at him and Milo is on top of Mingyu and is licking his whole face and at this point it shouldn't but it still surprises Wonwoo how Mingyu can still make his heart skip a beat every time he looks at him. 

And Wonwoo realizes that to him Mingyu is like a nice summer day. He is bright and warm and soft, and his laugh is like listening to the sound of waves lightly crashing when the sea is calm in the early mornings, and Mingyu is the warm sun in the mornings and the tiny waves kissing his feet and the smell of the sea when he leaves the house and he’s like eating his favourite ice cream on hot day.

Mingyu is all his favourite things in one person and he’s like coming home even when he's miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaa it's finally here!!!!!! i know i said it would be only three parts but then i decided to add a little something.  
> i'm sorry it took so long but with uni and my brother having to use my computer for a while i really couldn't post it sooner. i hope you guys like it and well if you don't, i'm sorry.  
> two fun facts: i named the dog in the fic after my own dog and the last part about mingyu being like a nice summer day it's actually a real thing i said once about mark tuan. 
> 
> but really thank you for all the love and all the comments, it really means a lot to me <3
> 
> feel free to come talk to me on my social media [Twitter](https://twitter.com/tuansmarc) // [Tumblr](https://http://kimseeokjins.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [i have something to tell you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9196403) by [byrdboiv (tunajohns)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tunajohns/pseuds/byrdboiv)




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